Friday 21 December 2012

Stress Buster


I didn’t realise just how much I needed the time away. The 16 day break provided a complete change of scenery, erased recent difficulties and pain from my mind and allowed me to spend time doing things with people who are important in my life. I valued the company of Ros who had recently had her own cancer to overcome. We understood the impact on one another and spent time talking of our hopes and of some of our fears. My time away was gently active without being too busy and not in the least bit stressful. I have made a conscious effort to erase stress from my life and I am amazed at my new found ability to take things in my stride that would, in a previous life, have seen me shouting, crying and generally losing it! Ripping a hole in my best tan boots, a leaking bedroom window, a missed train connection. Can’t change it so no point stressing over it!

This week has seen emotions running high though as I have felt the pain of events affecting some of my family and friends. One shock after another and my heart goes out to those who are suffering with their own cross to bear. These things are always difficult but somehow at this time of year with the merriment of Christmas the impact of an uphill struggle can be immense. My thoughts are with those who are struggling at this time.

I received news this week that both shocked me and warmed me in a strange way. I discovered that my Grandmother, who died before I was two, had undergone a mastectomy for breast cancer aged 48, exactly the same age as I was. Neither my mother nor father knew anything about this and indeed, I had told the hospital and doctors, “no, no history of breast cancer”. My father was only 9 at the time and never knew anything about it. I gained the information from my cousin. My Aunt, in her 80’s, also has breast cancer “in situ” and is on Tamoxifen. Relevant information for Alice and Maisie and any children they may have in the future. I had I suppose in some way tried to blame myself for my own cancer, it was because I was too stressed for too long, working too hard physically etc. Finding out about Grandma’s mastectomy made me realise that there was probably nothing I could have done to prevent my own cancer and I have taken comfort in the fact I am not the only Amazon Warrior in my family. Grandma had a passion for travel and lived well after the mastectomy. She did die too soon but it was not from the cancer. I know it was much less of an ordeal for me to undergo treatment in this day and age than it would have been for Grandma some 60+ years ago.

Christmas will be a special and quiet time this year. We have visited family and friends in recent weeks and I have caught up with people that matter to me and now it’s time for just the four of us to spend some quality time at home just “being”. We none of us know what is round the corner, and we have all heard it a hundred times, until it happens to you, it doesn’t have an impact. Dream as if you’ll live for ever, live as if you’ll die today.

Thursday 6 December 2012

From there, to here.


Wednesday 5th December 2012

I wonder how I got from there to here. A place that was overwhelming, that stirred up so many emotions and feelings that were at times, frightening and painful. To a place where life goes on, where scars heal and memories fade. Its exactly three months since my mastectomy and four months since my cancer diagnosis on 6th August. Looking back it was a very short journey – from there, to here. The early days are foggy, I do not read back over the blog. It was a dark and sometimes lonely time after surgery, combined with the uncertainty of Pauls job and our futures. But as does happen, time heals and things do not stay the same.

Today I celebrate being three months on and see how things have changed. Energy levels almost resumed, the occasional afternoon nap still required. General activities started up and back into the swing of living and enjoying.

During my recovery I picked up a copy of Landscape magazine and I read about the reindeer farm at Blithbury, the mistletoe festival in Tenbury Wells and the Christmas markets. Inspired to take a festive break, we packed our bags and departed last Wednesday,the day after Paul finally received notice of his redundancy. A sad departure for him after 37 years of service. A happy departure for us to head south and venture to new destinations and get a festive feel along with relaxing. The reindeer were beautiful and I was tempted when I saw the Reindeer For Sale” sign! Worcester Victorian market was pretty and full of atmosphere. Whirling around on the golden carousel was magical. Taking part in the Druids mistletoe ceremony after the parade through Tenbury Wells was quite special. Crisp clear cold winter skies were perfect for the crowning of the mistletoe queen. We left with several small bags of fresh mistletoe to take home.

Paul has returned to Aberdeen and I continue my journey visiting family and friends, many of whom I have not seen since surgery. My festive activities continue as I go to the Tideswell cookery school on Monday evening for a session of chocolate making! Thank you to everyone who is / has been accommodating and entertaining me!

Tuesday 20 November 2012

Swimming along!


I finally made it to the swimming pool! It was a real pleasure to be back in the water and enjoy some gentle exercise and a relaxing time in the steam room. The new swimsuit covered all the right places and disguised my uneven chest suitably for me not to be self-conscious. Suffered a little later on that evening with some return of the jabbing pains around the scar but figure it’s just the nerves and part of the healing process, it didn’t last long. I was back at hospital last Friday to get some of the stitch removed. Rather than dissolve as it is meant to it had worked its way to the surface and formed a small lump. I thought pulling the end of the nylon thread would just release and remove it, but that did not happen and instead the scar puckered up like the hem on fabric and I realised the nylon could be acting like a cheese wire inside me! The nurse snipped the end, checked me over and said that it does sometimes happen. I can snip any other threads myself. I’m back to prosthesis clinic on Thursday to hopefully get a slightly smaller “breast” for my new bra.

The general busyness is returning to my life and the “new normal” takes shape. Much of the daily “normal” changes are due rather to the fact there are no longer two children at home and not just due to recent surgery! Lazy mornings with coffee in bed instead of neither racing out for the school bus at 7.40am nor battling the rush hour traffic to get to college for 9am. Enjoying later departures for work for Paul and early finishes as the office winds down before its imminent closure. Altogether a slower pace of life which I am happy to be experiencing! I think I lived on adrenalin for the last five years which clearly is not a good idea!

The Downstairs keeps me busy with laundry, cleaning etc for guests (costumiers for the panto staying with us for the next 7 weeks). I had help from Dad and Alice last week which made life easier! Dad also cleared gutters, chopped logs and swept leaves for us. We aim to take on a gardener for the Spring if the house has not sold to help with the heavy duty side of things.

Looking forward to a trip to England at the start of next month to catch up with family and friends before Christmas. Thus the Christmas shopping has had to be sorted early!

It’s fair to say that we will breathe a sigh of relief once this year is over but along with the lows there were of course, also highs. New friends have been made through running club and psychology evening class, I’m proud to have run with Alice in her first half marathon in Edinburgh in May, we watched Maisie push her boundaries with work experience and travel in the summer, enjoyed having family over from Canada to stay for a few days, bumped into a couple of famous people – Billy Connelly & Donald Trump, enjoyed the splendour of Prestonfield House Hotel and experienced the stunning scenery and peace that the North West of Scotland has to offer. Not bad, I’d say!

Wednesday 14 November 2012

My Library


At the foot of my bed sits my “cancer bag”. All the leaflets, hospital letters, information, support booklets, lingerie brochures etc that I have acquired over recent weeks. A small library of information that I occasionally dip in and out of when I feel the need. I decided against the Pink Ladies group, not wanting to surround myself with everyone else’s stories and fearful that it may drag me down rather than lift me. I have enough information in my library to be able to check up on things including  – post surgery exercise, diet, recipes, tamoxifen etc and to know that everything I feel or experience is “normal”. Writing the blog is an outlet for my thoughts and helps me to look back and see how far I have come in a relatively short period of time. I also just discovered that another lady I know was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months before me. We are planning to meet up for supper and I am sure, being like-minded, that we will benefit from each other’s company.

My re ordered bra ( http://www.amoena.co.uk )arrived and is a great fit, however the breast form is slightly too big, it’s not that noticeable but I am aware of it. I’m waiting for another clinic appointment to get a re-fit! Hope to come home with a perfect "pair"! With a busy time the last week or so (Glasgow, Newcastle, dinner out, dad visiting), I’ve not yet managed to get to the pool. Determined it will be the end of this week! I did manage a four mile sunny run one day last week, rather slow pace but no worse for wear afterwards and a sense of achievement at the end!

We are still somewhat in limbo with Paul’s job, waiting for the private consultation to finish before he knows for sure if he is to get redundancy, albeit a statutory, less than generous sum of £12k for 37 years work. We really didn’t need the additional stress. We hope the process will be complete, over and done with, in the next two weeks. The money will at least pay for a great holiday next year as we will be celebrating an 18th, 20th,50th and 60th between the four of us! One or two things on the horizon, lots of balls up in the air, a change is as good as a rest!

Just over two months on since surgery and the “new normal” settles into place. Friends and relationships have been put to the test in the most difficult of times. Some have come out stronger than ever and one or two have fallen by the way side. I think anyone who has had invasive cancer will tell you that the emotional scars probably take longer to heal than the physical ones. The support that goes on after the initial diagnosis and treatment is invaluable. A shout out “thank you” to those of you, you know who you are!

Thursday 8 November 2012

New breast


I wore my “new breast” to town, with a view to finding a smart new T shirt bra. All my own underwired, half cup, padded bras were a non-starter following surgery and have subsequently journeyed to the charity shop. (Very sad moment). I have one nice mastectomy bra that I purchased before surgery which is fine if I want something under jumpers but it’s too patterned for under T shirts and close fitting clothes.

I selected three bras from the Post-Surgery rack in M&S. Carefully pushing the prosthesis into the left pocket, it was then a new art to try to hold the thing in place as the 6oz breast swung to one side while trying to fasten the back! I have no idea how larger ladies manage. Fastened up, the bras didn’t fit me or the prosthesis didn’t fit the bra. After three bars,I had already had enough and my mood fell. I wrapped the “breast” and put it and my bra back in my bag reverting to my comfy vest. My next job was to find swimwear, a hopeless task in Winter with the shops full of Christmas. Several sports shops, BHS, M&S & Primark later, I had found nothing.

Returning home, feeling frustrated,I looked through the brochures from clinic and figured the Amoena prosthesis should fit the Amoena bras. I ordered a plain T shirt bra on line and put the “breast” back in its box in the cupboard. I was delighted to find lovely mastectomy swimwear too! However, attempting to order, all my choices were “sold out” or only came in sizes upwards of 38” B no good for my petite 34” A. Next stop E Bay. I sat glued to the PC in a bidding war with two other people, for an M&S one piece, black and white patterned, including bust support in which I would be able to sew a “cup”. Result! For £7 including postage I had myself a swim suit. Every chance it still might not fit though!

Returning from two days in Glasgow with my lovely daughter, my parcels were waiting. A great nude, smooth, T shirt bra, just what I was after for those times when I might want a bust. Same problem though, the bra didn’t fit me and the prosthesis was bulging from the underarm. Tears in front of the mirror and several moments crying for the inconvenience of this cancer, declaring it would have been easier if they had cut them both off so I didn’t have to bother with bras or clothes to accommodate my new shape. The swimsuit was great quality and a super pattern to disguise my shape with high sides to hide the underarm scar. I stepped into it pulled it up and finally – success! Very happy with the fit, the shape and the look! Room inside to sew a cup or pad if I wish but quite fine just to wear it as it is. Very happy.

The bra is being returned and exchanged for a smaller size and if it fits I will then I return to clinic to exchange the breast” if it’s still not fitting the bra well.

Looking forward to getting to the pool soon as previous attempts have failed. I was fighting a fungal infection last week (Tamoxifen side effect) had the issue of a small fluid collection in the scar and this week a gum infection and mouth ulcers. I’m aiming to be fighting fit in a few days!

Friday 2 November 2012

Breast Aware

It’s Sunday morning. The stove crackles and I’m cosy under the duvet with steaming coffee, looking out through an open wooden door onto Aldroughty woods. A carpet of copper, a cathedral canopy and diamond droplets dripping onto the canvas roof, patterned with silhouettes of leaves. I’m writing by candle light and soaking up the pure simplicity of being here in the woods. The kettle is heating on the stove top to fill the shower in the shed. Swinging the shed door open as I shower, leaving nothing between me and the great outdoors. Reminders of camping in India but with deer and red squirrel instead of tigers and crocodiles! Toasting bread on the fire triggers memories of being a small child and my dad crisping a slice of bread on a long pronged fork over the coke boiler in the farmhouse.
The yurt weekend was a wonderful, relaxing escape! A chance to completely relax and recharge. We encountered nowy weather on the journey there but were cosy and toasty warm in the yurt. Photos on facebook.

There were five breasts on the coffee table. The small private room was warm, a full length mirror stood in the corner. Prosthesis clinic. I didn’t sleep well last night, I hadn’t realised that I would be anxious about the visit to clinic. Fist time back at the hospital in six weeks and a very real reminder of the events of the past weeks. The nurse checked my scar and was happy I was healed enough to fit with a breast form. A recent small infection had healed but she did point out the start of keloid scaring and recommended twice daily massage of the scar tissue for the next twelve months. Various shapes of breast came out of boxes and were placed in and out of the mastectomy bra until we found the perfect fit! A very soft silicone teardrop, surprisingly natural, soft and comfortable. Thankfully the £135 cost is covered by the NHS. The “breast” is able to go in the pool, although the nurse couldn’t confirm how it would react to the sauna. It cannot go in the hold of an aircraft as it will develop small bubbles. If I wear it through airport security body scanners I will most likely be pulled aside and searched to determine what the random object is that appears on their screen. The “breast” may suffer at altitude should I go climbing high mountains! Otherwise it is washable and robust and guaranteed for three years. In a years time I can go back to clinic and be fitted with a stick on breast if I so desire! It adheres to the skin with a backing similar to the clear sticky pads often found holding samples into magazines. It sticks firm to the skin but leaves no residue when peeled off. It's ideally suited to running and also good for strapless dresses and tops. I was quite amazed at what is available post surgery even down to stick on nipples! I left clinic with just the new breast form in its pretty box and storage bag.

Yesterday’s news article on the effectiveness of mammograms was thought provoking. Although quite clearly saving lives the screening program is also resulting in women being “over diagnosed” and treated unnecessarily. My lobular cancer was difficult to pick up by mammogram. Even though I was able to feel the “lump” it was very foggy on the mammogram and did not show at all on the ultrasound. It was the needle aspiration which set alarm bells ringing and the core biopsies which confirmed the cancer. Ductal cancer is easier to pick up than lobular, but it shows how very important it is for women to be “breast aware” to know our breasts and to examine ourselves regularly. It’s breast awareness throughout our life, self examination and self referral that is saving lives too. We shouldn't all just be relying on routine mammograms.

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Wednesday 24 October 2012

Less is More

It’s not so much that the breast cancer has been life changing, my life was already on a path of change at the start of 2012 before the cancer diagnosis. I’d applied to do a university degree (unsuccessful in my application!), successful in my application to do HNC Social care at college, which I should have begun in August, I’d booked myself onto an adventure holiday, the house went up for sale, I studied psychology at evening class and I joined Jog Scotland all in 2012! The timing of surgery meant I was unable to start the full time course or continue with the 10 week evening class. The Sahara trek was put on hold.

What is life changing is that the weekend of my surgery, Maisie moved into halls near college and I have suddenly discovered, after my recovery, that the demands for a la carte dining, all inclusive board, taxi service, hunting for things that have been borrowed, clearing the trail of pots, pans and pants from the floors and surfaces have all disappeared! For as much as it was a full time job looking after teenagers I miss it. Along with the sitting on the kitchen table, legs swinging, deep in debate and conversation over some current topic of news or scandal! Along with the smell of fresh pancakes, splattered hob, sticky maple syrup puddles. Along with snuggles on the sofa watching hours of “Come Dine With Me” or "The Great British Bake Off”!

Two little girls suddenly becoming young ladies and moving into their own flats has been life changing, it just so happened that the cancer came at the same time. The result of the clash of these two events leaves me with a rather large empty space in my daily life and leaves me wondering what I should “do”?

Faced with a huge blank canvas, it would be easy to start splashing paint about and rush into something to fill the time and space. What the cancer has done, is that it has made me think more deeply about what I really want from this life going forward. It is teaching me that sometimes it is better just to “be” rather than to “do”. I have been a doer all my life and have put much of my effort into caring for everyone else, having been a full time mum and part time support worker for over 18 years. The cancer has pointed out that it’s now time to care for myself and to sometimes put myself first! Something many of us woman find difficult! I have always looked for the next challenge, the next achievement but have probably not given enough thought to personal fulfilment and contentment.

I am reaching the decision to move away from my work in support (the huge bouquet of flowers and messages from work made me feel guilty that I could even think about giving up let alone go through with the decision!).

My focus lies with getting myself back into tip top shape mentally and physically, to deal with not only events of the last 3 months but also with the highs and lows of the last six years since our move to Aberdeen. The house and gardens need to be kept tidy, ever hopeful that someone will fall in love with this tower of granite allowing us to take more new paths.

I have ideas as to what I would like to do more of and certainly less of! Despite the ever popular “as one door closes, another opens” I’m afraid the words of Christine Collisters song have spun through my head often, as we rolled from one crisis to another “as one door closes, another door must slam, how cruel this world, how weak I am”.  Yes, of course things never stay the same and when you’re at the bottom there’s a good chance you will soon be climbing back up. We are uneasy waiting for further news of Paul’s job, moral low and internal support fairly non-existent. Not wishing the time away but looking forward to the end of the consultation period on 16th November so we know one way or another. We are neither of us in a position to be dealing with much stress but are both aware that whatever happens it will not initially, be easy.

Inspired by last night’s TV program “Small Spaces” and a believer that “less is more” I very much look forward to spending happy times in yurts, camper vans, Bedouin tents and the great outdoors! I need somehow to relieve the spells of loneliness that I encounter at times so that means getting out and mixing with people, spending more time with the people who have not given up on us, who seem to enjoy our company, who still have time to make the effort! It’s been surprising who has fallen by the wayside since the cancer diagnosis yet I accept for some it can be a tough one to handle. Accepting and offering invitations to “come and stay” “meet for lunch” “share a coffee”. With my energy levels low it’s been hard to make the effort but I’m very thankful to my assertive friends, even those in far flung places who have kept my spirits up. I didn’t hesitate in accepting an invitation to a chocolate cookery course in Derbyshire in December, or a night at the Royal Opera House in January. Ok,so it’s not always a case of “less is more”, sometimes “more is more”!

Monday 22 October 2012

Sink or swim

We have been counting the days since surgery in much the same way as one does with a new born baby. Three days, ten days, two weeks, one month, 6 weeks etc. Reaching six weeks post surgery feels like quite a milestone. Week five to six saw a great improvement in my underarm cording with just a little tightness remaining but no real pain. Stabbing at the site of surgery is only occasional, although much of the area remains generally numb. I feel far less tired and generally “back to normal”.

It was fantastic to get back into running shoes on Sunday morning and I enjoyed a gentle two mile jog in glorious autumn sunshine. No pains, not a twinge, although the thigh muscles are feeling it a bit this evening!  I’d paid little attention before to the baseball cap that I always run in “Moonwalk Edinburgh 2007 – Uniting Against Breast Cancer”. Five years since I pounded the streets of Edinburgh through the night, wearing a decorated bra!

I pulled on and off, in front of the full length mirror, various items of swimwear to see what would be best to return to the pool in this week. I’m hoping to have a swim prosthesis after my appointment at clinic in November but until then I have to make do. That said, I’ve read stories of them floating away so maybe it’s less stressful to do without! Bikinis a non starter, not retaining any sort of shape and not at all likely to stay in place! V neckline of a one piece not ideal. Patterned, straight neckline, tankini proved by far the best option, my asymmetry less visible along with the scar, drawback, the lycra’s all gone in the top and so I need to search out and purchase something similar! Probably the wrong time of year for buying beach wear!

Edinburgh Moonwalk 2007

Race For Life 2010
                                        

Saturday 20 October 2012

Stand Up To Cancer

It was quite emotional watching Channel Fours Embarrassing Bodies cancer special. The program was part of Channel Fours fundraising event “Stand Up To Cancer”.  www.standuptocancer.org.uk

Graphic images of a young woman’s double mastectomy opened the program. Real life stories showed the reality of cancer and its effects on people’s lives. A young man with eye cancer, who lost much of his face but survived. A father of two young boys, trying new treatment for bladder cancer, a 22 year old woman with ovarian cancer going through hysterectomy and chemo. So many of us are already affected by cancer, know someone who has it or who sadly has died from it. I feel so incredibly lucky to have only lost a breast, to not have suffered the effects of radiotherapy or chemotherapy and to be returning to a full and healthy life. Three weeks into the adjuvant treatment,Tamoxifen and no apparent side effects . More broken nails than usual but that could be the effects of 5 weeks of being more or less indoors, lacking in sunshine and daylight!

I’ve been looking into re booking the Sahara trek for early next year. I was originally booked to be flying away today, for a week of trekking in the sand and sleeping out under the stars in a Bedouin tent with a few camels and some like-minded travellers. The whole idea holds even more appeal than when I first booked it and I guess will prove to be just a little more challenging and rewarding. Very excited to be having a taste of adventure next weekend when I shall be spending three nights under canvas in a yurt!

Thursday 18 October 2012

Adventures!


As I came round the bend and up the hill, changing to second gear, the gear stick decided it was a good time to snap. I was amazed at how calmly I dealt with this, checking behind me for other vehicles – none. Nothing coming the other way either. Well I would be ok, just needed to manage the next two miles home. With the gears engaged alright the car was still moving but the gear stick completely floppy. With two corners yet to turn, I decided on a test gear change while nothing was about. Like fumbling around in the dark with keys trying open a lock, I managed to wiggle the stick somehow into third. Presto! Kept up a slow but steady pace to the junction, rolled down the hill and then into the drive! Figured, not having driven for five weeks, I could manage a few more.

I wouldn’t usually take such things in my stride, but with my mind and body having been in stress overload for several weeks, it seemed quite easy to shrug shoulders, manage the situation and accept that this is life and it’s only a car!

It’s six weeks since surgery. How quickly life resumes where you left off! Never a dull moment in our household! There was the stray collie dog on Tuesday morning. Having dropped Sarah at the train station and then not remembering to pop into the supermarket even though I practically drove past it (brain has gone to mush – I blame the Tamoxifen) I arrived back at home, going about household chores, taking laundry out to the tumble drier in the garage. I saw the cat sat under the van, but looked again, the eyes were so big! Not a cat, a dog. He didn’t move. Just as well, dogs and I, not a good combination!

“You know how you’ve always wanted a dog Maisie? Well I’ve got you one, he’s outside”

Miles (he soon had a name and was seemingly trying to move in with us) had moved from under the van to the warm and dry of the far corner of the garage. We chopped up the one small piece of cooked chicken that we had in the house, cooked some rice, fed and watered Miles. Down in one. He was clearly very hungry. Maisie, being on the ball and keen to show how she could care for this creature, pointed out he needed a blanket.

Miles curled himself into a cosy ball and fell asleep while we set about trying find whom he belonged to. Not known locally to any of the farmers and with no tag on him our final resort was the RSPCA who put us onto the local dog warden. Big brown eyes peered up to Maisie through the garage window then Miles waited by the door for it to open. He and Maisie, already bonded in these few hours. With a tummy full of energy, Miles leapt up for a hug then bounded off round the garden! What if we couldn’t catch him, the warden was coming!

Food! We enticed him back to the garage with a small portion of rice!

The warden looped a blue rope lead onto Miles and walked him to the big white van with its cages. Sad moment. Miles, a young male collie of about five months old, would be cared for locally for seven days and if not claimed, will go to the rescue centre and be re homed.

Since being old enough to throw pennies into wishing wells Maisie had wished, coin after coin, for a puppy dog. It may only have been for 6 hours, but it was a very memorable time! Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Dreams can come true.

We followed that, with the Great British Bake Off final. It was far too much excitement for one day. Yesterday I was SO tired again and had to take an afternoon nap, first one since Friday.

As I write there is black sky and a huge storm on the hill with sheet lightning and thunder. I’m looking forward to a quiet end to the week…
                                                           Miles - the stray Collie dog


Tuesday 16 October 2012

The Thin red Line

After looking at The Scar Project Paul wrote to me:

“it’s very easy sometimes, to get a bit caught up in the Race for Life, tie a pink ribbon round the tree thing, but it’s much rawer and immediate than that. You, people like me, and all the photographed women who really are from completely different places in life, have to deal with the reality of amputation. Human beings can be truly awful sometimes, but they can also be wonderful and life changing too. Women should be aware that the universe is random and that, heaven forbid, it could be them or their family and loved ones next, and that it has to be dealt with head on.”

When I was first told that I would need a mastectomy, I really had no idea what that would look like. I asked how big the scar would be, where would they cut? But even having asked, it still wasn’t very clear to me. I was unsure whether I dare to look on the internet for pictures. Some days after diagnosis I took that step and found pictures, quite shocking at first and I did upset myself but I needed to know how it would be, how my body would look. After the initial upset I happened upon a story and also a beautiful photograph of a 40 year old woman who had been through mastectomy. To mark her survival Joanne had photographs taken of her with mastectomy scars just two weeks after surgery. Wishing to help others through their journey Joanne posted the pictures on Facebook but they were banned for “nudity and pornography”. I was completely inspired and comforted by seeing the photographs on the web before my surgery. If I looked like that after two weeks, I would be doing ok. I did look like that after two weeks.

It also became clear to me that other people also had little idea as to what my mastectomy actually involved. Did I still have a nipple? The answer is, no nipple, no nothing. The entire breast is removed neatly through a diagonal cut from underarm to the middle of the chest. My scar is a very neat, a thin line about 7-8 inches long and my chest is very flat, my upper rib bones visible. I don’t dislike my scar, of course I wish I didn’t have it, but I do and it tells a story, a very big one, as do my caesarean and appendix scars.

The Scar Project link was sent to me from a friend in Australia. It is stunning. I think this is what “breast aware” should be about. This is the real story, this is what it’s really like to find out you have breast cancer, this is why we check our breasts, these pictures tell you cancer is not choosy and life isn’t fair. These pictures tell you that women are vulnerable yet strong, determined and full of courage. These women want to show the world the journey they have been on and survived. We feel the pain with every blow of the sculptures hammer, yet with each strike we are shaped and we emerge more beautiful.
Last week, I sat and looked at my own photographs, from before and after surgery. They are an important visual, real reminder of what has happened to me over recent weeks. After much pondering, I decided to not bare all on the blog, but did post, in the Photograph Page, a black and white shot of just my scar.

Breast cancer is not a pink ribbon. For me, it’s a thin red line.

Thank you to Elaine for sending me the link to The Scar Project        www.thescarproject.org

Friday 12 October 2012

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to me! I sat in bed with coffee and opened cards and presents quietly, weather outside appalling, the lovely view of yesterday changed into a windswept soggy picture! Up and about, household chores to do with changeover this weekend Downstairs and guests back in on Sunday. Piles of wet laundry! Organised Pauls packing for his trip to London with Maisie for the Goldsmiths University open day. 12 hours overnight on the bus from Aberdeen, I knew I wouldn’t manage that so opted to stay home. Sarah’s arriving to keep me company, tomorrow. Was just thinking about having an afternoon nap when I heard the door and wondered who it was, there stood Alice, soaked from the rain! What a surprise! She had caught the bus from Glasgow to Aberdeen, then Aberdeen to Potterton, followed by a mile and a half’s walk in the pouring rain, carrying a birthday cake and an overnight bag! What a fabulous present! Made my day.

We took a taxi to Liz’s and arrived for tea just after five. Lovely to be out and among people! A glass of bubbly, little sandwiches, cupcakes, jelly and a slice of Judy’s delicious pavlova! And of course a chorus of “happy birthday to you” and a game of pass the parcel! A super party! Taxi home before nine and straight to bed! Still not managing long days yet!

Getting back behind the wheel on Thursday boosted my mood. Good just to get out independently even if only to the supermarket! No heavy trolley to push just a few things for the weekend. Managed driving fine but reverse parking could prove a bit sore still with twisting.

Bought myself a copy of “Adventures of a One Breasted Woman” to motivate and inspire me! I will be starting my own adventures with a three night stay in a yurt near Elgin (north coast) in a couple of weeks time. Been on my “to do” list ever since we sat in one for a story telling session at The Aboyne Fire festival some four or five years ago! Also on my “to do” list is to take a seaplane flight from Glasgow and to sail on the ferry to Shetland, amongst other things!

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Too Soon


It’s too soon to go swimming, too soon to do gardening, too soon to travel too far, too soon to move on to week 7 physio! Not quite five weeks since surgery. I am much better, the cording is easing and mobility in my arm improving. The burning skin sensation subsides for periods of time which is wonderful, stabbing occurs only once or twice a day through my chest and underarm. Tiredness comes and goes

I’ve been pottering about at home but am rather tired of my own company now and these four walls! I’ve been baking, clearing cupboards, sorting paper work and watched numerous DVD’s. I think I should get another canvas and try some more “modern art” or buy more wool for knitting scarves! Planning to drive out locally tomorrow, pick up a few things from Asda for Sarah’s visit over the weekend. . It’s probably not too soon to write Christmas cards or make mince pies for the freezer!

Emotionally, I am generally fine with the mastectomy, accepting my flat chest and scar, not quite so fine absorbing it was cancer that caused it and that it may or may not come back at some point in my future. I have to just focus on each day and rebuild my strength, emotionally and physically. I find I have little ability to deal with any kind of stress, falling apart and not able to cope well with certain situations ( the initial news of Paul’s redundancy,  attempts to recover rental deposit for last years student flat) I have no mental energy left. I can see why recovery takes 12 weeks! I am so impatient!

Monday 8 October 2012

The Facts, the Stats, the Fiction


October is breast cancer awareness month!

Taken from Cancer Research UK, Information Service Division Scotland and Wales Cancer Surveillance and Intelligence Unit

 The facts:

·         Approximately 81 per cent of breast cancers occur in women over the age of 50

·         More people are being diagnosed with breast cancer but survival rates are improving – probably as a result of improved treatment and earlier detection

·         Breast cancer also affects men, but it is rare – more than 300 men are diagnosed each year.

The stats:

In the UK:

·         nearly 50,000 people are diagnosed with breast cancer each year in the UK. That’s one person every 10 minutes

·         Around 18,000 mastectomies are carried out in the UK each year

·         breast cancer is the second biggest cause of death from cancer for women in the UK, after lung cancer

·         there are an estimated 550,000 people living in the UK today who have had a diagnosis of breast cancer

·         The one year survival rate for cancer patients is 96%

·         The five year survival rate for cancer patients is 85%

·         The ten year survival rate for cancer patients is 77%

 In Scotland:

·         just over 4,000 people are diagnosed with breast cancer in Scotland each year and around 20 of these are men

·         1.4 per cent of women in Scotland have been diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives.

 
The fiction:

·         Five years past diagnosis means I’ve got the ‘all clear’. As well as potentially experiencing long-term side effects of treatment, patients face the uncertainty that their cancer could return at any time – including a diagnosis of secondary breast cancer which can’t be cured, only controlled.

·         Breast cancer is mainly a hereditary disease. Breast cancer can run in families, but fewer than 10 per cent of cases are as a result of an inherited faulty gene.

 
 Other facts:

 October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

 Tumours are more likely to be malignant when they are firm and have irregular shapes, while benign tumours are more likely to feel round or soft

The most common type of breast cancer (70%) originates in the breast ducts and is known as ductal carcinoma.

A less common type of breast cancer (15%) is known as lobular carcinoma, or cancer that originates in the lobules.

 More rare types of cancers include medullary carcinoma, Paget’s disease, tubular carcinoma, inflammatory breast cancer, and phyllodes tumors

Non-invasive cancers stay within the milk ducts or lobules in the breast. (In situ carcinoma)They do not grow into or invade normal tissues within or beyond the breast.

Invasive cancers grow into the normal, healthy tissues.

Women in the UK, between 50 and 70 years of age are invited for mammogram breast screening every three years.

Sunday 7 October 2012

One month later


Too long sat in the car yesterday, feeling every bump in the road and seat belt sitting right over my scar. A small soft cushion wedged under my arm helps to remove some of the discomfort. Otherwise enjoyed the day out and tour round Queen Margaret University East Lothian. Complete change of scenery and occupied for the day. Maisie enthusiastic about University choices and some good conversations about pros and cons of the various locations and courses. How did they get to be all grown up, all so quickly!

Happy to arrive home at 8pm and change clothes for loose pyjamas and do some stretching to ease out the still problematic underarm cording.

We are feeling brighter than this time last week, my pain is a lot less, the burning skin sensation much reduced and mobility resuming well. Paul had a positive interview on Thursday and two more lined up this week. Aberdeen jobs market seems quite buoyant so things look reasonably hopeful.

BUPA very kindly made me a cash payment following our recent subscription to the works scheme (discovered we should have been included back in February but were missed off the e mail). Managed to join and get back dated to September 1st so my stay in hospital was covered. Have put the cash aside to pay for my Sahara trek in the New Year. They also cover the cost of post surgery bras and prosthesis and reimbursed me for the M&S lingerie I brought before surgery.

Have felt absolutely shattered most of today, more than tired, slept for an hour in the afternoon then motivated myself to get up and out for a tea time beach walk in glorious evening sunshine, on Balmedie beach. Don’t know if was after effects of the long day yesterday, healing, or the drugs.

A month since surgery and I am well on the mend although my mind is full of emotions, thoughts and feelings. I am absorbing what’s happened to me and am dealing with the facts and looking to the future. It feels like I am sorting the pile of clutter in my head into tidy drawers and filing it all away. Not gone or forgotten but gradually dealt with and put away.

Thursday 4 October 2012

Start as we mean to go on!


Lungs full of fresh air and warm autumn sun on my face as I took a welcome walk along the lane this morning. Great to get out of the house and enjoy get some much needed exercise. Occupied myself with a little baking and made apricot, almond and ginger muffins! Four weeks since surgery and have felt a bit housebound and sluggish.

This week, mid afternoon I have been feeling tired again and have slept for an hour or two as well as still managing to sleep ok at night. I'm sleeping much better than I was last week, pain is easing off a little and I am more comfortable. Woke this morning with aching knuckles and after walking, aching knees, hoping that is just my usual “arthritic pain” and not resulting from the Tamoxifen. Hoping I will be okay to start driving again next week.
 
My first evening out tonight since surgery. Booked for supper at Trump Clubhouse as its nearby and a pleasant atmosphere. Word clearly got out that I was back on the scene as Kim and I walked in, who was sat there but Mr Donald Trump himself.  Of course we should have introduced ourselves “Like you Mr Trump, I’m not one to miss a business opportunity, I have a fabulous house to sell and failing that great accommodation for your golfers to stay in”  but no, we were overcome with girlish giggles and just kept looking over to him and his entourage. By the way, he is exactly the same in real life as he is on TV, does he only have one set of clothes as well? You might have thought he would have chatted to his restaurant guests before he left, given there were only a handful of us in there, but no, it’s clearly all about him. A very memorable and fun evening none the less! Billy Connelly just a few weeks back and Donald trump tonight! Start as we mean to go on that’s what I say!

Wednesday 3 October 2012

Getting active

Feeling frustrated at home, not driving yet, lacking company, want to get on with things but can’t do the things I want to! Re potted some small plants in the greenhouse this morning then made some apple (from the trees in the garden) and parsnip soup. Felt shattered this afternoon and fell asleep on the sofa for almost two hours despite sleeping better the past three nights.

I really enjoyed the visit to the gym on Monday evening and successfully managed 15 mins on the reclining cycle, very comfy, great to get my legs going again! Followed with a few leg presses and stretches. Was confident and relaxed in the changing rooms and carried on as usual with changing / showering.

Had a look at travel insurance with specialist companies and not too shocked at the prices, although premiums are probably 50% higher than pre cancer but at least I can get cover. It wasn’t  as simple as just declaring the cancer, they need the details as to whether it spread to lymph nodes, has been surgically removed and any other treatment including drugs. My age and the fact I was node free were on my side!

I also decided to write to Scottish TV chef Nick Nairn and to the English and Scottish ministers for health to voice my opinions on hospital food! Rather awful to say the least and not much improved over the last 30 years or so! The worst meal I had was a “cardboard” dry fishcake with frozen diced mix veg. The best meal was the one which hadn’t been cooked, cheese salad! It’s a no brainer that sick people need appetising and nutritional food to aid recovery.

Looking forward to my first evening out, post surgery, on Thursday, an appetising bite to eat at Mr Trumps Clubhouse and some catch up chat. Better ensure I have my afternoon nap again before going out!

Tuesday 2 October 2012

Breathless, Breastless


Breathless, breastless, tight band down arm to chest
Looks down to the red biro line, where once she saw her breast
Turns side on to the mirror, her curves of female form
But turn the other way and her missing breast she mourns.

No symmetry, lop-sided, imbalance in her shape
Already learnt to hide the bumps, a pretty scarf she drapes.
Prosthesis, fake, it feels so false, elastic that digs in
Prefers to go “au natural” and wear only her skin.

Breastless, breathless, stabs and jabs within
Drugs to ease the pain, warm oil to soothe the skin
Weary nights, toss and turn, can’t lay upon her side
Pillows, cushions rest her bones, too many tears she’s cried.

Her battle or her war to win?  To fight with all her might?
No winners here, or soldiers brave, no heroes in the night
Light the way in a tunnel dark, brighten mind and soul
Be healed, be strong and live this life, regaining dreams, her goal.

Monday 1 October 2012

Pinch Punch


Just two months ago I had left carpal tunnel release op, swiftly followed by mammograms, needle and core biopsies, breast cancer diagnosis, left mastectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy. I’m realising it’s okay to still be feeling a little battered and bewildered by the whole thing!

It was a relief to get a prescription from the GP on Friday for dihydrocodeine which has a much better effect on targeting the burning and stabling pains from mastectomy and the pain of “cording” (axillary web syndrome). Paracetomol was barely taking the edge off it. I also picked up my prescription for Tamoxifen (two unsuccessful attempts as chemists didn’t have it in stock). “Tamoxifen 20mg tablets. Take ONE daily for five years” The package leaflet comes with a host of information including “ Do NOT take Tamoxifen if…” Special warnings on DVT and a list of over 20 other possible side effects!

 I’ve managed four days without the need for an afternoon nap and my energy levels are slowly restoring. The cording is still restricting my arm movement, although physio is helping and I hope I will be able to drive again by the end of the week or next week sometime. Starting to get bored at home, feeling I want to get out and on with things but still limited in what I can and what I am allowed to do! Also lost a little confidence to go out on my own, not because I lack a breast but as I get occasional stabbing pains that literally stop me in my tracks often letting out an “arhhh!” momentarily!

 I’ve been reading other blogs and articles on mastectomy. It seems the vast majority of women have reconstruction or if not prefer to use prosthesis to regain their pre surgery shape. Women who go “form free” are in the minority and have mostly had bilateral surgery not unilateral like myself. I find it uncomfortable to wear ant type of bra as the nerve pain is increased by straps pressing. I find it even more uncomfortable to wear a pad over my scar. I’ve tried twice and been out with “breasts” but don’t find it natural or comfortable.I purchased some lovely coloured, lace vests, courtesy of Primark that are extremely comfortable, feminine and warm. The beauty of the vests is that although, sheer, they completely hide my scar yet softly reveal my remaining breast. Wearing them, I am not constantly reminded of the cancer or surgery as I do not feel or see the site. I have got the hang of dressing confidently “form free” with patterned or dark clothing, pockets, pleats, ruffles, cardigans and a scarf. Funky shoes (huge fan of Fly) draw attention to my feet rather than my chest! I’ve been to yoga class as a one breasted woman and also eaten out, feeling very comfortable. This evening I will deal with the communal changing rooms at the gym. ! I’ve always used the communal changing rooms and never been one to change in the cubicals, I don’t plan to alter that and I figure if others don’t like what they see, it is there issue to deal with not mine! Going for a short session on the bicycle and leg press equipment. Over three weeks of lounging about I need to get moving! Tamoxifen brings an increased risk of thrombosis. There was a question over my clotting during my second pregnancy and I was on warfarin for a while. Also had varicose veins stripped ten years ago. Haematology will be keeping an eye on me but it’s important I keep active, which should help ward off some of the other potential side effects too!

Dressing post-surgery without prosthesis.
October 1st today. It feels like a new page, a” new normal”.  I can put September behind me. I have taken my first drug of the five year course of tamoxifen. The sun is shining, the trees are turning bronze. I am starting my first full week on my own, Paul searches for a new job. I have always loved October, my birthday coming up, I will turn 49. October was always the month that the fun fair came to town, I’m not one for the rides but for the sights and smells and the atmosphere. It was the month when the children carried baskets and collected leaves, berries, conkers for crafts at home, carved pumpkins and carried lanterns. I will busy myself in the kitchen with pumpkin soup, jars of mincemeat and cake for Christmas. Pinch punch, first day of the month!

Thursday 27 September 2012

Recovery

 “Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

 Monday evenings storm passed over us leaving a covering of fallen leaves. Twigs and small branches strewn about the lawns and driveway but nothing major thankfully. Tuesday’s travel chaos calmed down for Mum travelling on Wednesday and she departed on time yesterday afternoon. The days have flown by in a blur since coming out of hospital and we are very grateful for all the help mum gave us with cooking, cleaning, physio etc. I have no idea how we would have managed on our own.

Today was my first day on my own for weeks. Mum was here to help after my carpal tunnel op just eight weeks ago and girls were here during the summer. In that time it was trips back and forth to hospital for appointments before the cancer diagnosis. Today I had time to think about the last two months and the whirlwind that swept through our lives. I cried, I felt lonely,I thought about what the future may bring, I was sore. At the site of surgery, the numbness is gradually subsiding but is replaced by a burning sore sensation as the nerves regrow. Paracetamol merely takes the edge off. The cording underarm is improved with physio and massage with bio oil.

We were dealt another blow 10 days ago as Paul announced he is to be made redundant, along with 30 other employees, as of 31st October. The UK Wireline Department is to close. No big pay off, merely statutory redundancy amounting to 11k for 37 years work. Shocking. With a mortgage still to pay, house not selling and further education expenses for the girls he has no choice but to try to find another job. Not the extra stress that any of us needed right now. The Downstairs apartment is re advertised in an attempt to bring in extra cash but I do not need the physical work at the moment.

I guess its natural that the texts and messages of support subside, especially after Fridays good news. (The blog hits have dropped dramatically after Friday!) Realilty is, I still have several weeks of recovery, reduced energy levels and quite a bit of emotional stuff to deal with. It was good to chat to a friend in England, similar age, who has undergone her own cancer challenge recently. Sharing experiences, thoughts and advice, a great comfort. Hoping to spend some time with her in November.

Still haven’t managed a night out yet, with not sleeping well, I am ready for bed by 9pm! I did have a walk in the rain this evening along the lane before supper. I needed some exercise! Looking forward to a night away at the weekend, the change of scenery will be good for me, getting a bit sick of these walls!

The blog will continue over the coming weeks through recovery and my starting on Tamoxifen. I will record the highs and lows as I pick myself back up and get on with life. We have the challenges of a house sale and job hunting for Paul to overcome and then I hope to face the challenge of getting some travel insurance sorted so I can re plan the Sahara trek that I should have been doing in two weeks time!

I found this rather interesting. Maybe I should take up archery. And men, you'd better watch out!   In Greek mythology the Amazons were a race of women warriors, expert in horse riding and skilled in the use of the bow and arrow and the battle axe. They needed men only to propagate and when they bore male offspring they killed it, maimed it or condemn it to a life of servitude. Amazons were often, but not always, depicted as single-breasted for they removed one breast so they could use their bows unobstructed.
 

Sunday 23 September 2012

Me, Myself and I.


Continuing to feel very tired, probably as I have not been resting enough! Have resumed “light duties” as it states in the mastectomy recovery booklet. Today that included sorting some paper work, cooking a savoury strudel for supper, making bagels with Maisie, washing up and clearing the kitchen. Far too much! Underarm very sore and tight and horrid stabbing pains into my non-existent left nipple. I hate that, I can’t rub it to soothe it, nothing there just numb skin and bone. Weird feeling.

Felt low all day, I think after Friday’s good news, that the cancer was not found in my lymph nodes, I expected a green light, enabling me to go and forget all about my cancer and resume my old life. It’s not that simple though and I still have several weeks of recovery from the mastectomy / lymph node biopsies and some lifestyle changes that I have to maintain for always. In my head they were saying” off you go Mrs Stedman, we have cured your cancer”, in reality they were saying “we have removed the tumour but to reduce the risk of a reoccurrence you will need 5 years of adjuvant drugs”.

Events of the past 3 months will fade from the front of my mind once I have dealt with them. Its been such a whirlwind that I have not really stopped to absorb what’s been going on. This morning I cried, really cried, the first time since I had the core biopsies back in July. The scars of surgery and one a day drug for the next 5 years will be a constant reminder of this time in my life and also a reminder of how lucky I have been to escape lightly and come through with such a good prognosis going forwards.

Big thanks to Doug and Graham who gave up their Sunday’s to come and help Paul in the garden. Superb team effort getting on with strimming, mowing, pruning etc. We are needing to keep on top of it all if we are to sell the property. Fingers crossed we get some interest soon. I have no idea how I managed to maintain it all for the last 6 years, I am clearly not going to be able to do it all without help anymore. Mum has been a brilliant help, cleaning and changing  over for guests Downstairs, ironing, getting meals, joining in with physio exercises and giving me massage to sooth the underarm cording.

 The house is still full of gorgeous blooms, with good wishes arriving from Jan and Andy in Canada last week and from The Butterfly Trust Edinburgh who I work for on a voluntary basis, arriving yesterday. They are keen for me to re-join them, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking that maybe I have spent enough years caring and giving to everyone else, and that maybe now I should be giving time and care to myself.