Swimming along!

I finally made it to the swimming pool! It was a real pleasure to be back in the water and enjoy some gentle exercise and a relaxing time in the steam room. The new swimsuit covered all the right places and disguised my uneven chest suitably for me not to be self-conscious. Suffered a little later on that evening with some return of the jabbing pains around the scar but figure it’s just the nerves and part of the healing process, it didn’t last long. I was back at hospital last Friday to get some of the stitch removed. Rather than dissolve as it is meant to it had worked its way to the surface and formed a small lump. I thought pulling the end of the nylon thread would just release and remove it, but that did not happen and instead the scar puckered up like the hem on fabric and I realised the nylon could be acting like a cheese wire inside me! The nurse snipped the end, checked me over and said that it does sometimes happen. I can snip any other threads myself. I’m back to prosthesis clinic on Thursday to hopefully get a slightly smaller “breast” for my new bra.

The general busyness is returning to my life and the “new normal” takes shape. Much of the daily “normal” changes are due rather to the fact there are no longer two children at home and not just due to recent surgery! Lazy mornings with coffee in bed instead of neither racing out for the school bus at 7.40am nor battling the rush hour traffic to get to college for 9am. Enjoying later departures for work for Paul and early finishes as the office winds down before its imminent closure. Altogether a slower pace of life which I am happy to be experiencing! I think I lived on adrenalin for the last five years which clearly is not a good idea!

The Downstairs keeps me busy with laundry, cleaning etc for guests (costumiers for the panto staying with us for the next 7 weeks). I had help from Dad and Alice last week which made life easier! Dad also cleared gutters, chopped logs and swept leaves for us. We aim to take on a gardener for the Spring if the house has not sold to help with the heavy duty side of things.

Looking forward to a trip to England at the start of next month to catch up with family and friends before Christmas. Thus the Christmas shopping has had to be sorted early!

It’s fair to say that we will breathe a sigh of relief once this year is over but along with the lows there were of course, also highs. New friends have been made through running club and psychology evening class, I’m proud to have run with Alice in her first half marathon in Edinburgh in May, we watched Maisie push her boundaries with work experience and travel in the summer, enjoyed having family over from Canada to stay for a few days, bumped into a couple of famous people – Billy Connelly & Donald Trump, enjoyed the splendour of Prestonfield House Hotel and experienced the stunning scenery and peace that the North West of Scotland has to offer. Not bad, I’d say!

My Library

At the foot of my bed sits my “cancer bag”. All the leaflets, hospital letters, information, support booklets, lingerie brochures etc that I have acquired over recent weeks. A small library of information that I occasionally dip in and out of when I feel the need. I decided against the Pink Ladies group, not wanting to surround myself with everyone else’s stories and fearful that it may drag me down rather than lift me. I have enough information in my library to be able to check up on things including  – post surgery exercise, diet, recipes, tamoxifen etc and to know that everything I feel or experience is “normal”. Writing the blog is an outlet for my thoughts and helps me to look back and see how far I have come in a relatively short period of time. I also just discovered that another lady I know was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months before me. We are planning to meet up for supper and I am sure, being like-minded, that we will benefit from each other’s company.

My re ordered bra ( http://www.amoena.co.uk )arrived and is a great fit, however the breast form is slightly too big, it’s not that noticeable but I am aware of it. I’m waiting for another clinic appointment to get a re-fit! Hope to come home with a perfect "pair"! With a busy time the last week or so (Glasgow, Newcastle, dinner out, dad visiting), I’ve not yet managed to get to the pool. Determined it will be the end of this week! I did manage a four mile sunny run one day last week, rather slow pace but no worse for wear afterwards and a sense of achievement at the end!

We are still somewhat in limbo with Paul’s job, waiting for the private consultation to finish before he knows for sure if he is to get redundancy, albeit a statutory, less than generous sum of £12k for 37 years work. We really didn’t need the additional stress. We hope the process will be complete, over and done with, in the next two weeks. The money will at least pay for a great holiday next year as we will be celebrating an 18^th, 20^th,50^th and 60^th between the four of us! One or two things on the horizon, lots of balls up in the air, a change is as good as a rest!

Just over two months on since surgery and the “new normal” settles into place. Friends and relationships have been put to the test in the most difficult of times. Some have come out stronger than ever and one or two have fallen by the way side. I think anyone who has had invasive cancer will tell you that the emotional scars probably take longer to heal than the physical ones. The support that goes on after the initial diagnosis and treatment is invaluable. A shout out “thank you” to those of you, you know who you are!

New breast

I wore my “new breast” to town, with a view to finding a smart new T shirt bra. All my own underwired, half cup, padded bras were a non-starter following surgery and have subsequently journeyed to the charity shop. (Very sad moment). I have one nice mastectomy bra that I purchased before surgery which is fine if I want something under jumpers but it’s too patterned for under T shirts and close fitting clothes.

I selected three bras from the Post-Surgery rack in M&S. Carefully pushing the prosthesis into the left pocket, it was then a new art to try to hold the thing in place as the 6oz breast swung to one side while trying to fasten the back! I have no idea how larger ladies manage. Fastened up, the bras didn’t fit me or the prosthesis didn’t fit the bra. After three bars,I had already had enough and my mood fell. I wrapped the “breast” and put it and my bra back in my bag reverting to my comfy vest. My next job was to find swimwear, a hopeless task in Winter with the shops full of Christmas. Several sports shops, BHS, M&S & Primark later, I had found nothing.

Returning home, feeling frustrated,I looked through the brochures from clinic and figured the Amoena prosthesis should fit the Amoena bras. I ordered a plain T shirt bra on line and put the “breast” back in its box in the cupboard. I was delighted to find lovely mastectomy swimwear too! However, attempting to order, all my choices were “sold out” or only came in sizes upwards of 38” B no good for my petite 34” A. Next stop E Bay. I sat glued to the PC in a bidding war with two other people, for an M&S one piece, black and white patterned, including bust support in which I would be able to sew a “cup”. Result! For £7 including postage I had myself a swim suit. Every chance it still might not fit though!

Returning from two days in Glasgow with my lovely daughter, my parcels were waiting. A great nude, smooth, T shirt bra, just what I was after for those times when I might want a bust. Same problem though, the bra didn’t fit me and the prosthesis was bulging from the underarm. Tears in front of the mirror and several moments crying for the inconvenience of this cancer, declaring it would have been easier if they had cut them both off so I didn’t have to bother with bras or clothes to accommodate my new shape. The swimsuit was great quality and a super pattern to disguise my shape with high sides to hide the underarm scar. I stepped into it pulled it up and finally – success! Very happy with the fit, the shape and the look! Room inside to sew a cup or pad if I wish but quite fine just to wear it as it is. Very happy.

The bra is being returned and exchanged for a smaller size and if it fits I will then I return to clinic to exchange the breast” if it’s still not fitting the bra well.

Looking forward to getting to the pool soon as previous attempts have failed. I was fighting a fungal infection last week (Tamoxifen side effect) had the issue of a small fluid collection in the scar and this week a gum infection and mouth ulcers. I’m aiming to be fighting fit in a few days!

Breast Aware

It’s Sunday morning. The stove crackles and I’m cosy under the duvet with steaming coffee, looking out through an open wooden door onto Aldroughty woods. A carpet of copper, a cathedral canopy and diamond droplets dripping onto the canvas roof, patterned with silhouettes of leaves. I’m writing by candle light and soaking up the pure simplicity of being here in the woods. The kettle is heating on the stove top to fill the shower in the shed. Swinging the shed door open as I shower, leaving nothing between me and the great outdoors. Reminders of camping in India but with deer and red squirrel instead of tigers and crocodiles! Toasting bread on the fire triggers memories of being a small child and my dad crisping a slice of bread on a long pronged fork over the coke boiler in the farmhouse.
The yurt weekend was a wonderful, relaxing escape! A chance to completely relax and recharge. We encountered nowy weather on the journey there but were cosy and toasty warm in the yurt. Photos on facebook.

There were five breasts on the coffee table. The small private room was warm, a full length mirror stood in the corner. Prosthesis clinic. I didn’t sleep well last night, I hadn’t realised that I would be anxious about the visit to clinic. Fist time back at the hospital in six weeks and a very real reminder of the events of the past weeks. The nurse checked my scar and was happy I was healed enough to fit with a breast form. A recent small infection had healed but she did point out the start of keloid scaring and recommended twice daily massage of the scar tissue for the next twelve months. Various shapes of breast came out of boxes and were placed in and out of the mastectomy bra until we found the perfect fit! A very soft silicone teardrop, surprisingly natural, soft and comfortable. Thankfully the £135 cost is covered by the NHS. The “breast” is able to go in the pool, although the nurse couldn’t confirm how it would react to the sauna. It cannot go in the hold of an aircraft as it will develop small bubbles. If I wear it through airport security body scanners I will most likely be pulled aside and searched to determine what the random object is that appears on their screen. The “breast” may suffer at altitude should I go climbing high mountains! Otherwise it is washable and robust and guaranteed for three years. In a years time I can go back to clinic and be fitted with a stick on breast if I so desire! It adheres to the skin with a backing similar to the clear sticky pads often found holding samples into magazines. It sticks firm to the skin but leaves no residue when peeled off. It's ideally suited to running and also good for strapless dresses and tops. I was quite amazed at what is available post surgery even down to stick on nipples! I left clinic with just the new breast form in its pretty box and storage bag.

Yesterday’s news article on the effectiveness of mammograms was thought provoking. Although quite clearly saving lives the screening program is also resulting in women being “over diagnosed” and treated unnecessarily. My lobular cancer was difficult to pick up by mammogram. Even though I was able to feel the “lump” it was very foggy on the mammogram and did not show at all on the ultrasound. It was the needle aspiration which set alarm bells ringing and the core biopsies which confirmed the cancer. Ductal cancer is easier to pick up than lobular, but it shows how very important it is for women to be “breast aware” to know our breasts and to examine ourselves regularly. It’s breast awareness throughout our life, self examination and self referral that is saving lives too. We shouldn't all just be relying on routine mammograms.