Me, Myself and I.

Continuing to feel very tired, probably as I have not been resting enough! Have resumed “light duties” as it states in the mastectomy recovery booklet. Today that included sorting some paper work, cooking a savoury strudel for supper, making bagels with Maisie, washing up and clearing the kitchen. Far too much! Underarm very sore and tight and horrid stabbing pains into my non-existent left nipple. I hate that, I can’t rub it to soothe it, nothing there just numb skin and bone. Weird feeling.

Felt low all day, I think after Friday’s good news, that the cancer was not found in my lymph nodes, I expected a green light, enabling me to go and forget all about my cancer and resume my old life. It’s not that simple though and I still have several weeks of recovery from the mastectomy / lymph node biopsies and some lifestyle changes that I have to maintain for always. In my head they were saying” off you go Mrs Stedman, we have cured your cancer”, in reality they were saying “we have removed the tumour but to reduce the risk of a reoccurrence you will need 5 years of adjuvant drugs”.

Events of the past 3 months will fade from the front of my mind once I have dealt with them. Its been such a whirlwind that I have not really stopped to absorb what’s been going on. This morning I cried, really cried, the first time since I had the core biopsies back in July. The scars of surgery and one a day drug for the next 5 years will be a constant reminder of this time in my life and also a reminder of how lucky I have been to escape lightly and come through with such a good prognosis going forwards.

Big thanks to Doug and Graham who gave up their Sunday’s to come and help Paul in the garden. Superb team effort getting on with strimming, mowing, pruning etc. We are needing to keep on top of it all if we are to sell the property. Fingers crossed we get some interest soon. I have no idea how I managed to maintain it all for the last 6 years, I am clearly not going to be able to do it all without help anymore. Mum has been a brilliant help, cleaning and changing  over for guests Downstairs, ironing, getting meals, joining in with physio exercises and giving me massage to sooth the underarm cording.

 The house is still full of gorgeous blooms, with good wishes arriving from Jan and Andy in Canada last week and from The Butterfly Trust Edinburgh who I work for on a voluntary basis, arriving yesterday. They are keen for me to re-join them, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking that maybe I have spent enough years caring and giving to everyone else, and that maybe now I should be giving time and care to myself.