Calmer, Slower, Relaxed

I have no idea who is still reading my blog, 28 page views in the last two days and over 2700 since it began. With the arrival of the New Year I thought about stopping writing and “putting it all behind me”. In reality it’s not quite that simple and for me the blog continues to be cathartic and a much welcome outlet for my thoughts.

 I have read several cancer stories and blogs over recent months, written by men and women in their 30’s and 40s’. I have found it helpful to know that others have experienced the same fears and hopes and rebuilt their lives after diagnosis and treatment. As one said, being told you have cancer is like a bomb going off, your world as you know it and have probably taken much for granted, suddenly blown apart. I waited for seven weeks after my first mammogram until my diagnosis. Much of that waiting time I have little or no recollection of. Paul tells me he often reads back through the blog to those difficult early days, I am not so able to do that. After the initial diagnosis you have no idea if you will live or die and there is nothing you can do about it except wait and hope. Hope that your prognosis is a good one and hope then, that your cancer will not become active again. Your emotions and heart strings are pulled in every direction and your head is consumed with your own needs and nothing external. I felt my whole world close in around me, I was pulled into a vacuum and I removed everything that was no longer important. I remained in that “cancer bubble” for several weeks. As another blog says “Cancer is arbitrary. The club that no one wants to join – yet only offers lifetime membership”.

I have entered the New Year a much calmer, slower, relaxed person. I don’t waste time or effort on unnecessary things or on things I cannot change. There are things we don’t want to do but have to and there are things we don’t want to do and don’t have to! I have learnt to say no to things now, which in a previous life I would have said yes to, learning to hold onto energy and strength, and looking out for my and my family’s needs above all else.

I became aware that I was probably a little less self-confident having been through treatment and largely having been at home for four months being looked after. The trips and events I have planned have helped restore that confidence, travelling to Mums and socialising with new faces, the works do with Paul – (not knowing a single face!) and just this weekend the long trip to get to Dads, cancelled trains, re-routing and not getting flustered at all! Lugging my 16 kilo suitcase on and off the train wasn’t quite so clever but I managed, however, today I am suffering for it with the return of some mild stabbing at the site of surgery. It’s a normal occurrence after physical activities such as heavy lifting or snow shovelling!( I am blessed to have Jackie as a house guest at home. She appeared dressed in waterproofs and proceeded to clear the drive of snow last week for me. I’m thinking I should offer her part time work!)

Two days of travelling also caught up with me today and despite sleeping for ten hours last night, I found myself dropping off mid-afternoon beside the wood burner! Dad dusted off an old static cycle machine from in the barn and brought it inside for me. I did ten minutes of cycling to get the legs moving! Nearly 12 hours sat on a train caused my hips and knees to complain a little, I shall endeavour to fit in a good walk tomorrow.

I was happy to have borrowed a Kindle for my trip, loaded with various reading material, I am on my second book. Dad has set up an internet connection for me so I am also able to communicate with the outside world from this sleepy hamlet in the Charente!

Little black dress!

I did find a new dress! Black, lacy, knee length, round neck, sequinned, in the Next sale, long black lacy sleeves, perfect for the works dinner dance on a snowy evening last friday! I wasn’t happy with the prosthesis and decided instead on the “softie” pad I was given after surgery. Pinned into an old bra it fitted perfectly under the dress and was much lighter and more comfortable than the breast form. Previous attempts to wear the prosthesis have altered my mood and I find myself getting emotional when I remove and replace it from it’s box, insert it into the bra and then struggle with the lop-sided weight of it while trying to fasten the bra in place. It looks and feels like a breast and it’s an odd experience clearly reminding me that my own breast has gone and that this is a “replacement”. The softie is not a replica, it is just a fabric pad and somehow I find that much easier emotionally, for the times when I wish to balance my shape.

The dinner dance and overnight stay was fabulous, I felt confident and had a great sociable evening, good food and conversation and a little Scottish dancing thrown in too!

The first of this year’s trips was extremely enjoyable! I travelled with the snow to and from Peterborough last week but avoided any disruption to my travel plans. I managed a small suitcase without too much lifting and no pain. Good to catch up with some of the lovely people in my life. Mum and I had a super day in London, spoiling ourselves with coffee and lunch at The St Pancras Hotel, a visit to the British museum, tea with friends at the Athenaeum Club and an evening performance of The Nutcracker at The Royal opera House.

Back home and re packing ready to travel to France at the weekend to spend a couple of weeks with Dad.  Repeat prescription of Tamoxifen collected. This is the third prescription I have had and three different brands of drug, each time a different one! Some women have complained that different brands affect their side effects. I haven’t noticed any difference so I hope that stays the same with this new lot! The night sweats have stayed away for over 6 weeks and my periods carry on regularly as usual if somewhat heavier. That in itself causes me to feel quite tired for a couple of days but otherwise I’m feeling no difference.

I’ve borrowed a Kindle for the trip to France and amongst other things I have down loaded “It takes a Worried Man” by Brendan Halpin, his own account of dealing with his wife’s breast cancer and also “The Glass Half Full – a breast cancer survival blog by E.M.Glasson. Situated in a sleepy French hamlet without TV or to many mod cons, with plenty of peace and quiet, good coffee and fresh croissant, I will be relaxing at Dad’s, reading, writing, watching some films on my laptop and enjoying some fresh air walks, maybe even get back to some running!

 

New year, New Normal

I should probably write a book – it would be titled “Cancer saved my life”.  Ok, so it could have killed me, or indeed one day it still might, but what the cancer did was halt me in my tracks and made me look at the bigger picture of my life. I said I would not let cancer change my life, but it had to, it does, priorities change, emotions and relationships change and of course my body has changed and I have to cope and adapt to the “new normal” in many areas.

I have been able to stand back and look clearly at my life, the people and the things in it and I have been able to see who and what are really important. I have made a conscious decision to remove stresses and to not waste energy on relationships and events that have no substance, no purpose and no balance. I have over the years spent much effort on doing and giving and largely it pays off, you put a lot in, you get a lot out, but it’s not always like that. There have been times when life has sapped too much of my strength over the years. Times when I have expelled more energy than it’s been worth. I have now been able to close the door on some relationships and on some chores or challenges. I have been making a positive move towards conserving energy both mentally and physically and am putting life into living.

The cancer has caused a shift in some of my personal relationships, it has shown in crystal clear light who really cares about me. That has manifested in many ways. I was surprised by some relationships that almost immediately dissolved as I got my diagnosis. People who didn’t know what to say or who were frightened or who just couldn’t take on the emotion of it all. Others, who went out of their way to send messages, to phone, who provided practical help or who sent cheery gifts and treats. I know who I can rely on, turn to, cry with, share with, laugh with.

My relationship with Paul went full circle. Back in June before diagnosis or any notion of an illness I had more or less decided to go it alone. Over the past couple of years I had found it harder and harder to cope with the house and all the work involved in maintaining it and looking after the family. I was constantly fatigued and worn out. No amount of trying to talk about it altered anything. We all work hard and get tired. I figured it would be easier in a small place on my own. The house went up for sale and I looked at getting some further education and qualifications so that I could earn a decent wage. Then came the cancer. Paul was devastated and shocked. I was less shocked and believed this was also why I had felt so tired, lost weight and had felt unable to cope. The cancer gave me permission to stop. To stop pushing myself, to stop planning, to stop running away. I do wish though, that it hadn’t taken such a drastic event to turn things around. An event that also opened the eyes of those close to me and for a while anyway, stopped anyone close to me taking anything for granted.

I have often raced through life looking for the next challenge, planning the next project, leaping from one thing and on to another. Now I just live each day and look no further than a few months ahead. My ultimate goal now is not how much I can achieve but how happy I can feel.

Recovering from my mastectomy and living in the knowledge that Paul’s salary may stop coming in was a very stressful time and I did hit the bottom around three weeks after surgery. I could not see a light, I couldn’t see how anything would change or how I would continue to cope living here. I could not see how I would cope alone either as a one breasted cancer survivor. Paul managed to secure a new job a short time after the news of the closure of Wireline. A brilliant result on his part aged 59 and in employment with the same company for 37 years!. It was a huge relief just before Christmas to receive the redundancy money and for Paul to start a new job. A much better, much smaller, more motivated environment for him to work in. Works Christmas lunch, Christmas wines delivered to home and the annual company dinner dance to attend in January! Life is suddenly feeling a bit too good to be true and it makes me feel slightly nervous!

The dinner dance is at a lovely country house hotel with overnight stay included. My prosthesis will be going out dancing! There have been tears over “ I have nothing to wear” and that is a true statement! Well, I have a wardrobe full of evening gowns but not a single one that fits either of my post surgery bras and prosthesis! I have trawled the shops which are full of low cut, v neck or strapless dresses which are non starters! I’m in search of a high or scoop neck, ideally with some sort of sleeve as the scar runs into my arm pit and the bra straps are wide and high to hold the prosthesis in place! I’ve two weeks to sort an outfit for my debut!

It’s been a pleasant surprise to have adapted so quickly to the Tamoxifen. Initially I was suffering night sweats, dry eyes, chapped lips, thrush and tiredness. These have all settled down over the last 6 weeks – no sweats and much less tired. Happy to say no joint pain at all, in fact my joints are better than they have been in years, probably due to four months off from DIY and gardening!

It’s almost four months since surgery but I have to say it feels much longer ago than that. My scar is well healed but rather red and visible although that doesn’t bother me as no one sees it. It causes me very little in the way of pain just occasional stabbing, usually after doing something too strenuous! Psychologically I have coped well and the key is to not think too long or hard about things but when the fears crop up, to talk about them.

2012 was challenging and difficult but my life has changed such that I would not wish to go back to this time last year. I am faced with a much happier and optimistic outlook which I hope will enrich my life. With the decision to give up my support job and not look for anything else for the time being I am able to focus on running the house / home / business (and hopefully get a sale on the house?..) I intend to enjoy my “gap year” to the full starting next week with a trip to the Royal Opera House Covent Garden, followed by two weeks in France, a trip to the Harry Potter Studios, a family South African safari and possibly the Sahara trek that I didn’t manage last year!