Poetry

 Written by Louise Stedman.
                                 

  Feels like a lump?

Feels like a lump?

What do you think?

Sure it’s nothing, ignore for a bit.

Been feeling wiped out, just shattered

Stressed and over working

Nothing that really mattered.

Not sure though, running has been tough

Not like training used to be

Some days feel quite rough..

Don’t like seeing my GP

Middle aged and menopausal

Depressed? Find you’re not coping?

Always same assumption,

It’s true, I am not joking.

Saw it on TV, breast examination

Mustn’t ignore the change I feel

Might be something real.

Dr said “its nothing” but referred me anyway

“What seems to be the trouble”

Consultant said to me

You took the mammograms

So tell ME what did you see?

Bit foggy we’re not sure

You need an FNA

Get an ultra sound as well

Lets see what they both say.

Its come back as “abnormal”

We really don’t know why

We’ll call you in two weeks

Might need an MRI.

Do some core biopsies

We need a better look

Ten needles stuck in me

Hour and a half it took.

Go home try not to worry

Come back in two more weeks

We’ll have results for you

Then see what we can do.

Plastic chairs, pale blue walls

Clocks hands tick and tock

Read every poster, leaflet racks

There’s tissues in a box.

Footsteps in the corridor

My heart is beating fast

At least today we’ll know for sure

We’ll get some news at last.

In they walk, one, two, three

They all sit down in silence

The consultant next to me.

“We have some answers”                

“Know what it is”

“We’ve found cancer Mrs Stedman.

That’s what your lump is”.

“Lobular carcinoma

Less common invasive type

Mastectomy and node biopsies

That will put it right”

                                              Breathless, breastless.

Breathless, breastless, tight band down arm to chest
Looks down to the red biro line, where once she saw her breast

Turns side on to the mirror, her curves of female form

But turn the other way and her missing breast she mourns.

No symmetry, lop-sided, imbalance in her shape
Already learnt to hide the bumps, a pretty scarf she drapes.
Prosthesis, fake, it feels so false, elastic that digs in
Prefers to go “au natural” and wear only her skin.

Breastless, breathless, stabs and jabs within
Drugs to ease the pain, warm oil to soothe the skin
Weary nights, toss and turn, can’t lay upon her side
Pillows, cushions rest her bones, too many tears she’s cried.

Her battle or her war to win? To fight with all her might?
No winners here, or soldiers brave, no heroes in the night
Light the way in a tunnel dark, brighten mind and soul
Be healed, be strong and live this life, regaining dreams, her goal.

Race For Life

A vast sea of T-shirts a wall of bright pink
Breasts bob up and down, muddy feet sink
Reconstructions, prosthesis, silicone form
Hum drum chatter, tired bodies yawn

Memories and emotions sit on clouds in the air

Stories and thoughts, opportunity to share
My nana, my Auntie, my sister, a wife”
All ages, all sizes join in, Race For Life

Racing for life, they all run to live

Throw pounds in buckets that rattle “please give”
In honour and memory a mark of respect
Survivors supporters take your marks, get set.

Cash to fund research, and to promote “breast aware”

Cancer’s not choosy and life isn’t fair
A cure is what’s needed, for some life runs out
Race for life ladies, to erase fear and doubt.



                                                            I'm Not a Soldier      (25th Sept 2013 LS)

I’m not brave and I’m not a soldier,

But I carry the scars, they’ll fade when I’m older
Not a battle to win or a mountain to climb
A bump in the road, a journey in time.

Silent but deadly, invades from within

Cancerous cells hide beneath skin
“You’re looking so well” everyone says
Can’t see the illness and the games that it plays.

Surgery, treatment, drugs to stay well,

Disfigured chest, can anyone tell?
Tamoxifen side effects, heavy monthly bleed
Losing of iron causes fatigue

Five years of drugs to keep it away

Will it return, no one can say
Bucket list written, do it all just in case
Life with new meaning, I’ve stared cancer in the face