Ups and Downs

I seem to be developing schizophrenia. I’m seeing a side of me that I don’t really know. Someone who flips from being steady, upbeat and in control, to someone is vulnerable, frightened and without an ounce of strength. Yes as one of my friends wrote, she is not surprised to see me trying to regaining control, setting up a blog and organising things going forward. It is what I do. Especially when faced with a big challenge. However, this feels it could be a big mountain and I go forward in the full knowledge that I can reach the summit but that the climb may well be one of my toughest to date. It’s a daunting and scary prospect and there are times when I don’t feel brave.

The gym on Friday was good, no problems on the rowing machine after my recent carpal op and a good workout for my shoulders and arms. I always enjoy the relaxation of the steam room, conscious of the heat and the water droplets running down my skin, soothing aches and pains.

Sleep is broken and erratic and not helping how I feel, at times wiped out. In the shower Sunday morning I sat crossed legged on the tiles under the torrent of water and added tears to the stream, hugging my knees into my chest. Not sure what I was crying for – fear as I know the cancer is already stage 2 , the fear it may spread, that my life may be shortened, for the loss of my breast, the worry and stress to those around me, tears for the place we are now at where we none of us want to be.

Being out and about at the weekend was enjoyable. Farmers market for fresh fish on Saturday followed by a visit to the Clydesdale horse show & Horticultural show at Duthie Park. A slow get up on Sunday and then a drive south to the Montrose Basin for a walk and some birdlife photography. Cooler but fairly sunny and breezy, blew away some cobwebs.

Slept well (hooray!) Sunday night but a spanner in the works with my friend Liz needing a lift to A&E with a broken ankle first thing this morning. Not what she or I needed over the coming weeks! Poor Liz, I got her wheel chaired into the waiting room and then went off to collect Alice from the bus. Great to have my two girls at home for a few days. Despite the pouring rain and wind we spent an hour in the garden in the hot tub this afternoon and rounded off with hot chocolate once indoors!