Mind Over Matter.

Enjoyed a relaxing reflexology at the CLAN centre yesterday morning, actually fell asleep for a few moments and started to dream! Booked in again for next Friday and then for the Tuesday before surgery.

The sunshine remained in Aberdeen much of the day yesterday and I spent a fun afternoon on Balmedie beach with Kim and little James paddling, building sandcastle and playing tennis! The fresh air and relaxation did me good as I had a great nights sleep, sleeping from 11pm until 6am then dozed for an hour or so. Best sleep since I was at Alice’s last weekend!

Lovely flowers from Dad, Alice, Sarah & Tony this morning – thank you!

I received books in the post from Rachel, a novel to read when I get bored and a brilliant book called “What Can I do to help?” with practical ideas for family and friends to support someone affected by cancer.  I found it comforting to read many thoughts, fears, hopes and reactions that I have already encountered. Ideas include setting up a blog (tick) filling up the freezer (tick), inviting yourself to friends (tick). It talks about being a new member of The Cancer Club, the only club that is rigorously exclusive and has no waiting list!

I wish to tackle my cancer head on and to know and understand everything. It is important for me to be able to talk about it and also to not talk about. It’s important for me that Alice, Maisie and Paul feel supported too and have good things to look forward to. So pleased Alice is spending a few days with Grandma, Maisie rather too busy with work & college but I plan to take her to Harry Potter in London during October half term! We made need a chaperone! The little things count – Maisie was delighted to receive mascara from Auntie Sarah as she had just run out! Bought a disposable BBQ for 50p in the sale at Asda with a view to using it in a Yurt weekend break or a spontaneous cook-out on the beach somewhere!

Looking back to my reaction to the news, I was not surprised as I already had a good idea that it may be cancer from the weeks that led up to results. I was very saddened by the news and frightened by it, also a sense of relief that the 18 months of not feeling on top and not always coping as well as I would expect myself to, was for a reason. My main symptom being at times excessive tiredness, much like when you are pregnant. Just having to stop and nap for 40 mins or so combined with pains that come and go in joints – hip, elbows, neck, shoulder.

I will be asking to see the mammogram pictures / MRI as I have not yet seen anything and it’s important for me to see the tumour. Having my breast taken away is hard to get my head round but since it is saving my life there is no choice. Rather lose a breast than an arm, a leg or an eye. I had a couple of evenings when I broke into tears undressing for bed, stood in front of the bathroom mirror washing and brushing my teeth. I’ve altered that routine to leave my bra on until I get into bed. Oddly it does not bother me at all in the mornings.

We’ve found John Lewis and M&S do post surgery bras. Paul and I will be going shopping before surgery so I have something nice to wear when I am ready.

Last week being by myself was awful and I wept plenty! This week being by myself I find that I am able to keep busy and forget about my cancer completely for long periods. We are of course all trying to continue as “normal” but of course it isn’t “normal”. Having cancer is a very weird concept. I am by all accounts very fit, healthy and well, but at the same time I am really rather ill. I think the photo of me finishing the half marathon is very poignant. When I first saw the photo, I thought, “God I look ill”! Yet I managed to run 13 miles in a PB of 1hr 55mins. I’d found the training very hard and some days was not capable of running as I was far to tired. The human body and mind are amazing. It is now very much a case of “mind over matter”!