Emotions.

Naturally my emotions have been all over the place and I find it hard to concentrate. After the devastating news last week the next hard task was to tell family and friends. After Paul, who was with me for results, the next to know was Maisie. We picked her up from work and I sat in the back of the car with her. I hugged her tightly and then moved away to hold her hands, remembering how tiny those fingers once were. It broke my heart to give her this terrible news. I was overwhelmed with grief for myself and for those around me who would suffer the pain of the coming weeks. Positive words came from my mouth and I vowed to not fail at this challenge, I had never failed at anything yet, and I wasn’t about to start. We stopped the car on the Esplanade and the three of us went onto the beach, removed shoes and socks and paddled away our tears in the North Sea under a grey sky.

I had a large brandy and cried no more that evening. I texted Mum who was on the train back to Peterborough, having spent a week with me helping after my carpal op she was fully aware of the possible outcome on results day. I phoned to tell dad in France, who was on his own mission to keep well following his prostate cancer diagnosis just a few weeks ago. I felt so guilty inflicting this worry upon everyone. I was anxious about telling Alice as she was alone in her flat, I encouraged her to continue with plans to go out that evening, she was very calm and gentle on the phone, we did not get upset. I am so proud of how responsible, strong and capable my girls are, must be in the genes! And so I continued to tell the news, the response from those around us supportive and encouraging. People ready to share stories of their own experiences and offer help if needed.

My sleeping patterns were awful last week, roughly four or five hours disturbed sleep each night. I was breaking down uncontrollably around 4pm each afternoon for 10 mins or so. I was noticing the tiniest of things – the flight path of a bird over the lawn to the bird feeder, how green the leaves were, how the lights shone on Maisie’s hair highlighting golden strands, the soft caress over my face as a ribbon in the Youth Festival parade blew in the wind.

Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed an hours Shiatsu at CLAN, Maisie had a reflexology session. I also made an appointment to see the Oncologist there on Wednesday to ask some questions. I remained quite bright and up beat for the whole day.

Usual routine this morning of getting Maisie into work and then grocery shopping. Back home had a big cook session and made two weeks worth of meals for the freezer, fish pie, bolognaise, soups, baked aubergine, pasta sauce.

The weather is dull and damp, we would all benefit from some warm sunshine!

Looking forward to a meal out with friends this evening in town.

Had a lovely card from Uncle Godfrey and Elaine.

Some extracts from my diary:

 Monday 16^th July -

The waiting has been awful. The phone call didn’t come as promised on Wednesday / Thursday or Friday and nothing in the post on Monday. When I phone Ms Smyths secretary on Monday the voicemail she was out of the office until Tuesday.

Thursday 19^th July –

I opened the shutters this morning to see a single magpie on the lawn. It’s biopsy day. Went for a run first thing and managed to get locked out of the house, in the rain!

Feeling like a pin cushion after 10 needles in my left breast.

Took a phone call in the afternoon from my life insurance company, very freaky! Just checking I had enough cover and was happy with the policy I held (First call from them in 6 years??) I felt spooked. I was unable to cope late afternoon and walked out the house and collapsed into an uncontrollable heap on the tarmac. I cried for all the traumas I had faced over the past six years, Grahams death on the drive ,Johns death from cancer, Paul’s petrol fire accident, Alice’s fall from the window, the chimney fire, and the crash at the front gates at Christmas and the stresses of Muirton. And I cried for the fear and realisation that this could be cancer.

Thursday 26^th July (Before results) Had a disturbed and restless night, I dreamed I was telling everyone that I had breast cancer.

Saturday 4^th August –

We took a huge bunch of red, white and blue balloons to arrivals at Dyce airport and a banner to welcome Maisie back from her two weeks in Romania!

Monday 6^th August –

I watched the hands on the wall clock and I read the cover of every pamphlet in the wall rack. I noted the small box of tissues on the desk. I jumped each time I heard a phone ring or a door bang. The room was white with a pale blue door. My fingers parted the blinds so I could see the daylight and sky. I breathed deeply. The handled turned and the consultant walked in with two other ladies. At that point I knew.