Eleven days on.

I can honestly say, that I had no idea of the physical impact of mastectomy. Apart from a basic MacMillan breast care book I was given no information about the operation so I  gained further knowledge about it from the internet but did not research in much detail under after the op. I was not told nor had any idea of the size of the wound, assuming it would be about 4” horizontally across my chest. In actual fact it is 7-8” diagonally from within my armpit to the middle of my chest. I was also not aware that problems with arms and shoulders were usual following surgery. This is compounded in my left arm following left  mastectomy as I also had carpal tunnel op just six weeks ago. The physio program is broken down into sections, week one, 2-6 weeks, 6-12 weeks and after 12 weeks. I had thought I would be back “to normal” after 3-4 weeks!! The program is designed to prevent “cording” feeling like a tight band from your shoulder to elbow (I do have some of this sensation developing already and its very unpleasant) and also to help prevent lymphodema which can be quite serious.

I had just assumed it was breast off and get on with it! Not quite that simple!  I am the rather impatient type! I am doing the correct exercises three times a day and not over doing it, but it’s frustrating as I am rubbish at taking it easy and relaxing!

 I endured a night of disturbed sleep, couldn’t get comfortable, changed my top, felt like everything was digging in under my arm, skin felt red hot and sore, couldn’t bear anything on it. It all looked fine, no redness or swelling. Took up most of the bed with an extra pillow, sprawling out trying to raise and rest my arm and wedging the pillow to prevent myself rolling over on my affected side. Woke up (so I must have gone to sleep!) feeling worse than ever.

Frustrating as this is day 11 and last week I was fine, because everything was numb! I’ve read other blogs and forums and this seems to be the absolute norm! Second and third weeks quite tough. Mainly due to the SLNB (Sentinal lymph node biopsy) hence the under arm pain. Some of the feelings start to come back and nerves begin to heal. Am experiencing on and off jabbing pain, the worst one when I feel shooting through to my nipple, except when I reach to sooth it there is no nipple to sooth and just hard numb skin to feel. Its weird.

 So the physical side is slower than I had thought it would be. No pain killers for the last day in hospital not when I first got home, but been back on them for two days now. Not just a case of getting over a general anaesthetic!

 I am getting used to seeing the scar and my altered image but a moment to long seeing myself in the mirror flicks the switch and tears fall. The last tapes peeled away gently in the bath on Saturday revealed a very clean, neat wound, a thin red line. Very, very, flat, tight skin over bone. When I first looked at my new image, I could see on my left my flat chest as a child, the tom boy charm that I always had, transported back to being seven or eight. On my right, the same body that has grown into a woman of 48 with shape and curve. Whose breasts fed both her children for six months.

I have worn my prosthesis twice. It was good to dress “normally” but it was an odd feeling with the “false” breast, I didn’t really feel myself with it and prefer to go natural with the flat and the bump of my remaining breast, dressed with darker or patterned clothing, cardigan, scarf to detract and blend any unevenness. To be honest with a small breast its quite easy to not worry too much. A top tip I read is to wear a sports bra to flatten out the other breast, thinking I prefer that idea. Will save my false one for when I go out in a dress and for special occasions! I’ll be able to get another special one at my prosthesis clinic appointment in November to wear in my swimsuit which will be useful.

Also having to give up antiperspirant  deodorant to lessen the risk of lymphodema,so apologies in advance! Hug me, love my smell!