This time last year I wrote -
I
continued with the “one day at a time” for quite a while and I have made sure
to enjoy special, magic moments in most of my days.
My
knowledge about breast cancer has grown vastly, not previously aware there were
so many different types of breast cancer, no idea how I would look after a
mastectomy, no understanding of why some people had radiotherapy and chemo
while others didn’t. I have learnt how Tamoxifen works on the body to block
further cancer cells, I have discovered the effects of anaemia. I have learnt
about genetics and gene mutations. I have discovered, sadly, that the NHS is
not what it should be.
Relationships
in all walks of life have been tested, some have grown stronger, some have diminished
and some have stayed the same. Within each of those groups, each change has
been for the better. Those relationships worth the effort have grown and developed
into richer, deeper friendships, the ones that were using up too much energy,
going nowhere have closed and the ones that have stayed the same were the ones
that were stable, solid and perfect just the way were. Noticeably my children,
who have never treated me any differently, who still don’t like to empty the
dishwasher, who still leave wet towels and clothes on the floor, who still ask “what’s
for tea”! To them I was always Mum and nothing changed. They have always told
me they love me and have always told me I am an amazing mum, and they still say
the same. With so many things up in the air at the time, that “normality” was a
huge comfort to me.
It’s
incredible to look back over the last twelve months and see how far we have
come. From a very dark place of unknown, immediately followed by Paul’s
redundancy, we did indeed Dance In the Rain for some months and came out further
on having found some silver linings along the way, which has been quite
amazing. The redundancy paid for a holiday of a life time in South Africa, a
new job for Paul, with shorter hours and a whole lot less stress, no need financially
to let out the basement as an extra income, reducing my work load in the house
and giving us chance to enjoy the whole house while we remain here in the hope
that next spring someone may come along and want to buy her!
Of
course it’s not all a bed of roses. Some days I get weepy, the anniversaries of
diagnosis and surgery (this week last year) have been surprisingly emotional. I
try not to think back to “before” to the time when I had two breasts and hadn’t
had cancer. The battle with the NHS is draining, forever chasing appointments
and follow ups. Eleven weeks since I was seen by gynaecology and still no
follow up as promised. Two phone calls later and I finally received my annual
mammogram appointment for tomorrow, some two and half months late as I had been
“missed”. It does not fill me with confidence and does not help with the “moving
on” process.
I
need to find something to do with my time having had twelve months “off”! Although I am good at filling my time, I am
some days very lonely. Despite over seven years in Aberdeen I have made very
few friends. My previous support work was always one to one, so very little contact
with other people, time spent doing the house involved only trades people and
with girls getting on the school bus, no opportunity to meet other mums. I’ve
tried evening class and the gym etc which are always good to get you out but
rarely provided long lasting friendships.
I’ve
recently joined “Meetup.com” local groups set up for people to get out, do
something and meet like-minded people. I hope to go to my first meeting with
the next few weeks! I’ve also put my name forward to volunteer at a local
playgroup. I hope some new doors will open as I am ready to move forward and further
enrich my life!
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