Friday 13th

The familiar post mark of NHS Grampian on an envelope in the post box on Friday morning. It was Friday 13^th. I am not superstitious but my heart raced as my fingers pulled the letter out. I had been told the results would be sent in a few weeks, it had been a few days, I was nervous. “This is simply to say that your mammogram has been reported as normal”. Huge relief and an open door to move on after a tough year. I didn’t quite feel the elation that I had expected though,. The letter wasn’t saying I was “all clear” that the cancer would never come back, that I could stop the drugs, that they are sure there is no cancer,( lobular is notorious for not showing up on mammograms). They were saying right here and now everything appears to be fine. And it’s all about now. I try to live much more in the present, not the past or the future, but for today.

There are a lot of social media postings on various sites that come through on my news feeds, aimed at being inspiring and uplifting. There are indeed some amazing stories. Women who have “battled” cancer and gone on to climb Kilimanjaro, cycled Lands Ends to John O’ Groats, walked to Base Camp, raised thousands of pounds to help save people like me. Walking on victorious after their triumph with this terrible disease. There seems to be a need to prove something after you have come out the other side. Is it a need to enrich our own life, to prove it to ourselves? Or to show the world that we have lived through this awful time and that we can continue even more glorious than BC. (Before cancer).

Throughout my life I have challenged myself and I have done and seen amazing things and I am so very happy that that is how I chose to live. Fifty years on and I no longer feel the need to prove anything. Merely to allow myself the time to slow down, relax, enjoy, look around me and live fully. That’s not to say I don’t have dreams or plans, I do. Lots of them! My “Bucket List” of 50 things to do in my 50^th year has reached 25. I might leave it at that to allow more time to fit most of them in! I will publish the list in the “Pages” section at the top of the blog where you will also find photographs and poetry. I have also written my own list of “100 things to do in your life time”. These are all things that I have done in my life up to now.

I have not given up on the idea of some artistic project involving breast cancer images but I have had difficulty in getting anyone else involved and I haven’t found enough time or energy to push things forward alone. That said, I have one or two of my own photographs and some poetry and I have made contact recently with some local artists in the hope someone may take on the idea.

Tuesday is my annual check up at the hospital, I guess then I am officially a one year cancer survivor!