New year, New Normal

I should probably write a book – it would be titled “Cancer saved my life”.  Ok, so it could have killed me, or indeed one day it still might, but what the cancer did was halt me in my tracks and made me look at the bigger picture of my life. I said I would not let cancer change my life, but it had to, it does, priorities change, emotions and relationships change and of course my body has changed and I have to cope and adapt to the “new normal” in many areas.

I have been able to stand back and look clearly at my life, the people and the things in it and I have been able to see who and what are really important. I have made a conscious decision to remove stresses and to not waste energy on relationships and events that have no substance, no purpose and no balance. I have over the years spent much effort on doing and giving and largely it pays off, you put a lot in, you get a lot out, but it’s not always like that. There have been times when life has sapped too much of my strength over the years. Times when I have expelled more energy than it’s been worth. I have now been able to close the door on some relationships and on some chores or challenges. I have been making a positive move towards conserving energy both mentally and physically and am putting life into living.

The cancer has caused a shift in some of my personal relationships, it has shown in crystal clear light who really cares about me. That has manifested in many ways. I was surprised by some relationships that almost immediately dissolved as I got my diagnosis. People who didn’t know what to say or who were frightened or who just couldn’t take on the emotion of it all. Others, who went out of their way to send messages, to phone, who provided practical help or who sent cheery gifts and treats. I know who I can rely on, turn to, cry with, share with, laugh with.

My relationship with Paul went full circle. Back in June before diagnosis or any notion of an illness I had more or less decided to go it alone. Over the past couple of years I had found it harder and harder to cope with the house and all the work involved in maintaining it and looking after the family. I was constantly fatigued and worn out. No amount of trying to talk about it altered anything. We all work hard and get tired. I figured it would be easier in a small place on my own. The house went up for sale and I looked at getting some further education and qualifications so that I could earn a decent wage. Then came the cancer. Paul was devastated and shocked. I was less shocked and believed this was also why I had felt so tired, lost weight and had felt unable to cope. The cancer gave me permission to stop. To stop pushing myself, to stop planning, to stop running away. I do wish though, that it hadn’t taken such a drastic event to turn things around. An event that also opened the eyes of those close to me and for a while anyway, stopped anyone close to me taking anything for granted.

I have often raced through life looking for the next challenge, planning the next project, leaping from one thing and on to another. Now I just live each day and look no further than a few months ahead. My ultimate goal now is not how much I can achieve but how happy I can feel.

Recovering from my mastectomy and living in the knowledge that Paul’s salary may stop coming in was a very stressful time and I did hit the bottom around three weeks after surgery. I could not see a light, I couldn’t see how anything would change or how I would continue to cope living here. I could not see how I would cope alone either as a one breasted cancer survivor. Paul managed to secure a new job a short time after the news of the closure of Wireline. A brilliant result on his part aged 59 and in employment with the same company for 37 years!. It was a huge relief just before Christmas to receive the redundancy money and for Paul to start a new job. A much better, much smaller, more motivated environment for him to work in. Works Christmas lunch, Christmas wines delivered to home and the annual company dinner dance to attend in January! Life is suddenly feeling a bit too good to be true and it makes me feel slightly nervous!

The dinner dance is at a lovely country house hotel with overnight stay included. My prosthesis will be going out dancing! There have been tears over “ I have nothing to wear” and that is a true statement! Well, I have a wardrobe full of evening gowns but not a single one that fits either of my post surgery bras and prosthesis! I have trawled the shops which are full of low cut, v neck or strapless dresses which are non starters! I’m in search of a high or scoop neck, ideally with some sort of sleeve as the scar runs into my arm pit and the bra straps are wide and high to hold the prosthesis in place! I’ve two weeks to sort an outfit for my debut!

It’s been a pleasant surprise to have adapted so quickly to the Tamoxifen. Initially I was suffering night sweats, dry eyes, chapped lips, thrush and tiredness. These have all settled down over the last 6 weeks – no sweats and much less tired. Happy to say no joint pain at all, in fact my joints are better than they have been in years, probably due to four months off from DIY and gardening!

It’s almost four months since surgery but I have to say it feels much longer ago than that. My scar is well healed but rather red and visible although that doesn’t bother me as no one sees it. It causes me very little in the way of pain just occasional stabbing, usually after doing something too strenuous! Psychologically I have coped well and the key is to not think too long or hard about things but when the fears crop up, to talk about them.

2012 was challenging and difficult but my life has changed such that I would not wish to go back to this time last year. I am faced with a much happier and optimistic outlook which I hope will enrich my life. With the decision to give up my support job and not look for anything else for the time being I am able to focus on running the house / home / business (and hopefully get a sale on the house?..) I intend to enjoy my “gap year” to the full starting next week with a trip to the Royal Opera House Covent Garden, followed by two weeks in France, a trip to the Harry Potter Studios, a family South African safari and possibly the Sahara trek that I didn’t manage last year!