Calmer, Slower, Relaxed

I have no idea who is still reading my blog, 28 page views in the last two days and over 2700 since it began. With the arrival of the New Year I thought about stopping writing and “putting it all behind me”. In reality it’s not quite that simple and for me the blog continues to be cathartic and a much welcome outlet for my thoughts.

 I have read several cancer stories and blogs over recent months, written by men and women in their 30’s and 40s’. I have found it helpful to know that others have experienced the same fears and hopes and rebuilt their lives after diagnosis and treatment. As one said, being told you have cancer is like a bomb going off, your world as you know it and have probably taken much for granted, suddenly blown apart. I waited for seven weeks after my first mammogram until my diagnosis. Much of that waiting time I have little or no recollection of. Paul tells me he often reads back through the blog to those difficult early days, I am not so able to do that. After the initial diagnosis you have no idea if you will live or die and there is nothing you can do about it except wait and hope. Hope that your prognosis is a good one and hope then, that your cancer will not become active again. Your emotions and heart strings are pulled in every direction and your head is consumed with your own needs and nothing external. I felt my whole world close in around me, I was pulled into a vacuum and I removed everything that was no longer important. I remained in that “cancer bubble” for several weeks. As another blog says “Cancer is arbitrary. The club that no one wants to join – yet only offers lifetime membership”.

I have entered the New Year a much calmer, slower, relaxed person. I don’t waste time or effort on unnecessary things or on things I cannot change. There are things we don’t want to do but have to and there are things we don’t want to do and don’t have to! I have learnt to say no to things now, which in a previous life I would have said yes to, learning to hold onto energy and strength, and looking out for my and my family’s needs above all else.

I became aware that I was probably a little less self-confident having been through treatment and largely having been at home for four months being looked after. The trips and events I have planned have helped restore that confidence, travelling to Mums and socialising with new faces, the works do with Paul – (not knowing a single face!) and just this weekend the long trip to get to Dads, cancelled trains, re-routing and not getting flustered at all! Lugging my 16 kilo suitcase on and off the train wasn’t quite so clever but I managed, however, today I am suffering for it with the return of some mild stabbing at the site of surgery. It’s a normal occurrence after physical activities such as heavy lifting or snow shovelling!( I am blessed to have Jackie as a house guest at home. She appeared dressed in waterproofs and proceeded to clear the drive of snow last week for me. I’m thinking I should offer her part time work!)

Two days of travelling also caught up with me today and despite sleeping for ten hours last night, I found myself dropping off mid-afternoon beside the wood burner! Dad dusted off an old static cycle machine from in the barn and brought it inside for me. I did ten minutes of cycling to get the legs moving! Nearly 12 hours sat on a train caused my hips and knees to complain a little, I shall endeavour to fit in a good walk tomorrow.

I was happy to have borrowed a Kindle for my trip, loaded with various reading material, I am on my second book. Dad has set up an internet connection for me so I am also able to communicate with the outside world from this sleepy hamlet in the Charente!