Swimming along!

I finally made it to the swimming pool! It was a real pleasure to be back in the water and enjoy some gentle exercise and a relaxing time in the steam room. The new swimsuit covered all the right places and disguised my uneven chest suitably for me not to be self-conscious. Suffered a little later on that evening with some return of the jabbing pains around the scar but figure it’s just the nerves and part of the healing process, it didn’t last long. I was back at hospital last Friday to get some of the stitch removed. Rather than dissolve as it is meant to it had worked its way to the surface and formed a small lump. I thought pulling the end of the nylon thread would just release and remove it, but that did not happen and instead the scar puckered up like the hem on fabric and I realised the nylon could be acting like a cheese wire inside me! The nurse snipped the end, checked me over and said that it does sometimes happen. I can snip any other threads myself. I’m back to prosthesis clinic on Thursday to hopefully get a slightly smaller “breast” for my new bra.

The general busyness is returning to my life and the “new normal” takes shape. Much of the daily “normal” changes are due rather to the fact there are no longer two children at home and not just due to recent surgery! Lazy mornings with coffee in bed instead of neither racing out for the school bus at 7.40am nor battling the rush hour traffic to get to college for 9am. Enjoying later departures for work for Paul and early finishes as the office winds down before its imminent closure. Altogether a slower pace of life which I am happy to be experiencing! I think I lived on adrenalin for the last five years which clearly is not a good idea!

The Downstairs keeps me busy with laundry, cleaning etc for guests (costumiers for the panto staying with us for the next 7 weeks). I had help from Dad and Alice last week which made life easier! Dad also cleared gutters, chopped logs and swept leaves for us. We aim to take on a gardener for the Spring if the house has not sold to help with the heavy duty side of things.

Looking forward to a trip to England at the start of next month to catch up with family and friends before Christmas. Thus the Christmas shopping has had to be sorted early!

It’s fair to say that we will breathe a sigh of relief once this year is over but along with the lows there were of course, also highs. New friends have been made through running club and psychology evening class, I’m proud to have run with Alice in her first half marathon in Edinburgh in May, we watched Maisie push her boundaries with work experience and travel in the summer, enjoyed having family over from Canada to stay for a few days, bumped into a couple of famous people – Billy Connelly & Donald Trump, enjoyed the splendour of Prestonfield House Hotel and experienced the stunning scenery and peace that the North West of Scotland has to offer. Not bad, I’d say!

The Thin red Line

After looking at The Scar Project Paul wrote to me:

“it’s very easy sometimes, to get a bit caught up in the Race for Life, tie a pink ribbon round the tree thing, but it’s much rawer and immediate than that. You, people like me, and all the photographed women who really are from completely different places in life, have to deal with the reality of amputation. Human beings can be truly awful sometimes, but they can also be wonderful and life changing too. Women should be aware that the universe is random and that, heaven forbid, it could be them or their family and loved ones next, and that it has to be dealt with head on.”

When I was first told that I would need a mastectomy, I really had no idea what that would look like. I asked how big the scar would be, where would they cut? But even having asked, it still wasn’t very clear to me. I was unsure whether I dare to look on the internet for pictures. Some days after diagnosis I took that step and found pictures, quite shocking at first and I did upset myself but I needed to know how it would be, how my body would look. After the initial upset I happened upon a story and also a beautiful photograph of a 40 year old woman who had been through mastectomy. To mark her survival Joanne had photographs taken of her with mastectomy scars just two weeks after surgery. Wishing to help others through their journey Joanne posted the pictures on Facebook but they were banned for “nudity and pornography”. I was completely inspired and comforted by seeing the photographs on the web before my surgery. If I looked like that after two weeks, I would be doing ok. I did look like that after two weeks.

It also became clear to me that other people also had little idea as to what my mastectomy actually involved. Did I still have a nipple? The answer is, no nipple, no nothing. The entire breast is removed neatly through a diagonal cut from underarm to the middle of the chest. My scar is a very neat, a thin line about 7-8 inches long and my chest is very flat, my upper rib bones visible. I don’t dislike my scar, of course I wish I didn’t have it, but I do and it tells a story, a very big one, as do my caesarean and appendix scars.

The Scar Project link was sent to me from a friend in Australia. It is stunning. I think this is what “breast aware” should be about. This is the real story, this is what it’s really like to find out you have breast cancer, this is why we check our breasts, these pictures tell you cancer is not choosy and life isn’t fair. These pictures tell you that women are vulnerable yet strong, determined and full of courage. These women want to show the world the journey they have been on and survived. We feel the pain with every blow of the sculptures hammer, yet with each strike we are shaped and we emerge more beautiful.
Last week, I sat and looked at my own photographs, from before and after surgery. They are an important visual, real reminder of what has happened to me over recent weeks. After much pondering, I decided to not bare all on the blog, but did post, in the Photograph Page, a black and white shot of just my scar.

Breast cancer is not a pink ribbon. For me, it’s a thin red line.

Thank you to Elaine for sending me the link to The Scar Project        www.thescarproject.org