Swimming along!

I finally made it to the swimming pool! It was a real pleasure to be back in the water and enjoy some gentle exercise and a relaxing time in the steam room. The new swimsuit covered all the right places and disguised my uneven chest suitably for me not to be self-conscious. Suffered a little later on that evening with some return of the jabbing pains around the scar but figure it’s just the nerves and part of the healing process, it didn’t last long. I was back at hospital last Friday to get some of the stitch removed. Rather than dissolve as it is meant to it had worked its way to the surface and formed a small lump. I thought pulling the end of the nylon thread would just release and remove it, but that did not happen and instead the scar puckered up like the hem on fabric and I realised the nylon could be acting like a cheese wire inside me! The nurse snipped the end, checked me over and said that it does sometimes happen. I can snip any other threads myself. I’m back to prosthesis clinic on Thursday to hopefully get a slightly smaller “breast” for my new bra.

The general busyness is returning to my life and the “new normal” takes shape. Much of the daily “normal” changes are due rather to the fact there are no longer two children at home and not just due to recent surgery! Lazy mornings with coffee in bed instead of neither racing out for the school bus at 7.40am nor battling the rush hour traffic to get to college for 9am. Enjoying later departures for work for Paul and early finishes as the office winds down before its imminent closure. Altogether a slower pace of life which I am happy to be experiencing! I think I lived on adrenalin for the last five years which clearly is not a good idea!

The Downstairs keeps me busy with laundry, cleaning etc for guests (costumiers for the panto staying with us for the next 7 weeks). I had help from Dad and Alice last week which made life easier! Dad also cleared gutters, chopped logs and swept leaves for us. We aim to take on a gardener for the Spring if the house has not sold to help with the heavy duty side of things.

Looking forward to a trip to England at the start of next month to catch up with family and friends before Christmas. Thus the Christmas shopping has had to be sorted early!

It’s fair to say that we will breathe a sigh of relief once this year is over but along with the lows there were of course, also highs. New friends have been made through running club and psychology evening class, I’m proud to have run with Alice in her first half marathon in Edinburgh in May, we watched Maisie push her boundaries with work experience and travel in the summer, enjoyed having family over from Canada to stay for a few days, bumped into a couple of famous people – Billy Connelly & Donald Trump, enjoyed the splendour of Prestonfield House Hotel and experienced the stunning scenery and peace that the North West of Scotland has to offer. Not bad, I’d say!

Less is More

It’s not so much that the breast cancer has been life changing, my life was already on a path of change at the start of 2012 before the cancer diagnosis. I’d applied to do a university degree (unsuccessful in my application!), successful in my application to do HNC Social care at college, which I should have begun in August, I’d booked myself onto an adventure holiday, the house went up for sale, I studied psychology at evening class and I joined Jog Scotland all in 2012! The timing of surgery meant I was unable to start the full time course or continue with the 10 week evening class. The Sahara trek was put on hold.

What is life changing is that the weekend of my surgery, Maisie moved into halls near college and I have suddenly discovered, after my recovery, that the demands for a la carte dining, all inclusive board, taxi service, hunting for things that have been borrowed, clearing the trail of pots, pans and pants from the floors and surfaces have all disappeared! For as much as it was a full time job looking after teenagers I miss it. Along with the sitting on the kitchen table, legs swinging, deep in debate and conversation over some current topic of news or scandal! Along with the smell of fresh pancakes, splattered hob, sticky maple syrup puddles. Along with snuggles on the sofa watching hours of “Come Dine With Me” or "The Great British Bake Off”!

Two little girls suddenly becoming young ladies and moving into their own flats has been life changing, it just so happened that the cancer came at the same time. The result of the clash of these two events leaves me with a rather large empty space in my daily life and leaves me wondering what I should “do”?

Faced with a huge blank canvas, it would be easy to start splashing paint about and rush into something to fill the time and space. What the cancer has done, is that it has made me think more deeply about what I really want from this life going forward. It is teaching me that sometimes it is better just to “be” rather than to “do”. I have been a doer all my life and have put much of my effort into caring for everyone else, having been a full time mum and part time support worker for over 18 years. The cancer has pointed out that it’s now time to care for myself and to sometimes put myself first! Something many of us woman find difficult! I have always looked for the next challenge, the next achievement but have probably not given enough thought to personal fulfilment and contentment.

I am reaching the decision to move away from my work in support (the huge bouquet of flowers and messages from work made me feel guilty that I could even think about giving up let alone go through with the decision!).

My focus lies with getting myself back into tip top shape mentally and physically, to deal with not only events of the last 3 months but also with the highs and lows of the last six years since our move to Aberdeen. The house and gardens need to be kept tidy, ever hopeful that someone will fall in love with this tower of granite allowing us to take more new paths.

I have ideas as to what I would like to do more of and certainly less of! Despite the ever popular “as one door closes, another opens” I’m afraid the words of Christine Collisters song have spun through my head often, as we rolled from one crisis to another “as one door closes, another door must slam, how cruel this world, how weak I am”.  Yes, of course things never stay the same and when you’re at the bottom there’s a good chance you will soon be climbing back up. We are uneasy waiting for further news of Paul’s job, moral low and internal support fairly non-existent. Not wishing the time away but looking forward to the end of the consultation period on 16^th November so we know one way or another. We are neither of us in a position to be dealing with much stress but are both aware that whatever happens it will not initially, be easy.

Inspired by last night’s TV program “Small Spaces” and a believer that “less is more” I very much look forward to spending happy times in yurts, camper vans, Bedouin tents and the great outdoors! I need somehow to relieve the spells of loneliness that I encounter at times so that means getting out and mixing with people, spending more time with the people who have not given up on us, who seem to enjoy our company, who still have time to make the effort! It’s been surprising who has fallen by the wayside since the cancer diagnosis yet I accept for some it can be a tough one to handle. Accepting and offering invitations to “come and stay” “meet for lunch” “share a coffee”. With my energy levels low it’s been hard to make the effort but I’m very thankful to my assertive friends, even those in far flung places who have kept my spirits up. I didn’t hesitate in accepting an invitation to a chocolate cookery course in Derbyshire in December, or a night at the Royal Opera House in January. Ok,so it’s not always a case of “less is more”, sometimes “more is more”!